Chey’s Lounge

“You’re a really good writer.” I heard this a few times through college, but I didn’t really believe it. Partially because it is definitely a stretch to include the word “really” and partially because I did well, but not great, in high school English classes. 

My prose isn’t sophisticated and my style won’t inspire a new generation of classists, but I am someone. 

I’m not a great person, but I don’t know if that should stop you from doing anything for your whole life. Maybe if I can write some stuff out I can understand where I was coming from better. Do I deserve forgiveness? Have I done things that have truly harmed people? I have and I have with malicious intent in the moment too! But what can I do besides try to be better? I’m not exactly sure how, so maybe I can be vulnerable and everyone can tell me how bad I am, whether unfounded or not. I’m kidding, that’s very presumptuous of me to think anyone will read this. There’s a 50/50 chance this never even sees the light of day for no one to read. This isn’t my first rodeo, but if I do end up posting it, that means I’m committed and will be accountable to myself to actually write out how I feel, maybe explore some interests, talk about paraplegic dachshunds, etc. 

I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and opportunity to change, but I am apprehensive. I guess I feel that same apprehension with myself and it makes me afraid to start anything that would lead to my perception being out of my control. But I just feel like I want to know if other people feel the same. Maybe I’m looking for permission. I really should only be looking for it from myself, but it’s hard and I don’t trust my judgment of whether or not I deserve forgiveness. I guess it depends on my intentions. I usually understand my own. Usually is definitely a key word there. I don’t know. I’m just trying my best. I do have different levels of “best” during different times and circumstances. Not sure if I should forgive myself for the times I have faltered. I just feel a little tired of feeling like a bad person when people who are definitely worse are able to just chill, vibe, live, laugh, love. Idk, maybe they’re suffering silently. Probably not. Maybe I’m trying to take a page out of their playbook and not care? I be caring though… not sure where it will get me, but I guess we will see. I’m just nervous and wish I wasn’t. No one can change the past. I have a lot of feelings about a lot of things and I think it may be better to get them out than let them stew like I have been for a few, maybe 20, years.