Chey’s Lounge

I’ve been thinking about how the quality of a daily post probably isn’t going to be the highest, but I’m sticking with it for 6 months, at least. I won’t beat myself up if I do happen to miss a day here or there. I’m pleased with myself that I haven’t yet, but at the same time it isn’t entirely surprising because I committed to doing this in my mind. I don’t commit to a lot because when I do, I do. Something like this helps me show myself you can commit to something that you’re not great at just to do it. It’s okay to be mediocre. It’s okay to not be perfect. If I keep writing these little borderline directionless posts, I may find a direction. If not a direction, I’ll at least have multiple starting points for going on deeper dives in the future with the knowledge of knowing which topics are less exciting to me. I’m inclined to believe any topic can be explored to basically no end. That’s basically every PhD dissertation at this point lowkey, just the most random topics you’d never think of in your own and someone has dedicated years of their lives to researching it. Incredible, really. If you can imagine from my previous posts (for anyone new or who doesn’t recall, I’ve been looking for a niche of my own), I really have no clue what topic I feel I could fully commit myself to, to that extent.Theres just so much going on out there. I feel like I’m on the cusp of seeing some parts of the whole that are being obfuscated, but what does that actually bring me? What does vindication bring me? I need to find peace within myself. It’s very hard though. Many things feel hard to me. Something that’s hard to remember is that everything is assessed relative to something else. It’s not the way you start. It’s the way you finish, but you need to start to finish. Starting feels really hard though. Hard relative to what though? Doing nothing? Well then of course it seems a little hard. 

It’s tough to see what you’re really capable of until you’re presented with no other choice than persevere. Persevering is tough, but it’s one of those things that make you want to look back and see how strong you were. So many times I find myself looking back and thinking about all of the things I’ve done wrong. I need to spend more time trying to change my thoughts to focus a little more on the positive if I’m going to be thinking about the past. I haven’t been through like intense trials and tribulations, but I mean, relative to what I had dealt with previously, I’ve certainly faced some challenges, maybe a little bit of adversity? Probably not. Maybe one day I’ll write a post about one of the things I went through in my teens that had a tremendous affect on the trajectory of my life for years, which basically means forever if you think about it in terms of the butterfly effect. To make an incredibly long story short, I made it through a really difficult time. Sometimes what it took to get through it was literally crossing off every 5-10 minutes. Theres really not much that has compared to that for me. The term “for me” is really holding a lot of weight there though. Relative to cancer treatment, what I went through was so minor. I’ve had a hard time reconciling with determining how much grace to give myself and others based on relative circumstances. I think I’d rather offer more grace than not, but honestly it’s a little hard for me, personally. Like, my mom finds it impossible to hold a grudge and is almost always so understanding, but my dad is basically the total opposite LOL. I can’t help but fall into wanting to be like him, but admiring her. However, I am really not that into getting walked all over. And I do let it happen sometimes, but I react really poorly, so it’s almost like I don’t allow it, but I do, idk LOL. I’m trying to give myself some grace. I’m trying not to judge myself for these mediocre posts too harshly because relative to doing nothing, it’s pretty good. And you can’t expect to be great from the beginning. You have to give yourself room to improve, grace to make mistakes, time to learn. It’s important to just start doing things. If you wait until you’re perfect to start, you’re probably not going to start anything new. No one’s going to be perfect ever, nevertheless when starting something new. My perfectionism prevents me from starting new things. As I’ve said, these daily posts are me trying to break out of that a little bit more. I can jump into something and be fully committed without requiring perfection. I can learn and make mistakes. It consistently takes me a long time to realize/remember this basically whenever I do something. Like, in band when in school. When I started out, I was pretty good at the clarinet. Once the music became a little more difficult in the middle of middle school, I wasn’t really very good. I don’t like failing, so I don’t like, lovee practicing. By the time I finally got good enough at the music I was playing and felt confident enough to just play, it was senior year. I guess the potential was there… maybe there’s a lesson there. Maybe not. Anyway, here’s to just doing more stuff I guess.  We can fix it up later.