Chey’s Lounge

I’m not a Jets fan, but I was really sad to hear about Nick Mangold  passing away. I know it’s business, so I shouldn’t care about this too much, but I admire players that spend their entire careers with one organization. I remember reading his post pleading for a kidney, and I thought that if anyone had a chance of finding a living donor, it’s probably him. Sometimes things happen faster than we could ever imagine. It’s overwhelming to think about. I think that’s why people usually don’t. I guess I just couldn’t avoid it today. Maybe I need to stay off social media more while I am going through these trying times. I did get a book yesterday, and it seems like I will get into it and read it somewhat quickly, so that should be a little bit of a distraction. 

The reason I said something about social media isn’t just that one thing today. Earlier, I saw a post about a man saying goodbye to his father on the cusp of succumbing to thyroid cancer. It made me cry. I feel so sad when other people feel pain, even the guaranteed pain from death and taxes. Someone recently told me that my empathy is a strength, but it was in the midst of a conversation about how I still need to do what I have to do sometimes. Very hard! The range of emotions I feel about such a wide array of people is incredible. Maybe it isn’t, idk. I just don’t see it in the majority of people. Doesn’t mean I’m like totally alone in how I be feeling and acting though. I wonder why I feel so much for others while feeling disconnected from most people. I’m just not sure. Maybe I’m more empathetic when I’m overwhelmed myself. There are times where any empathy is drained from my body and I wish the worst onto people and their children. I don’t know why, but it just happens when I’m really mad. Idk if that’s normal, probably a little? Sometimes people ask me why I say the things I do and I have no other response other than in those moments, I really do feel those ways. The moments are fleeting, but they happen. I just need to control myself enough to make it through without causing irreparable damage to my life or future. At least I’m getting older and my future isn’t as… important? 

I remember going into high school and putting all of my YouTube videos on private, thinking it would prevent me from getting into college. Sigh! I need to follow my own path! It just seems so hard and I don’t want to be a drain on anything or anyone. I want to provide something beneficial to society. I guess my insane YouTube videos from middle school aren’t really a benefit to society, but it’s an example of how I so often feel controlled by these social forces that are likely completely in my head. My head really goes crazy sometimes. Like I’m you, why are you trying to convince me I can’t succeed at anything, so what’s the point in trying? I don’t know how to stop letting myself and others get in my way. I guess it’s good I’m acknowledging out loud (well, out of my mind at least) that I am one of my own obstacles. Probably the biggest one, ultimately.