Chey’s Lounge

What do you do when you can’t figure out something you can tolerate for the rest of your life? Or worse, what do you do when you can’t figure out how to create that life for yourself? Or worse yet, if you don’t have the courage to live the life you want? I wonder what kind of person I would be with my nature nurtured differently. How much of me stems from nature and how much from nurture? I think… I actually don’t know what I think because I had to do something else mid-sentence. I probably was thinking about how much of one’s personality is exclusively due to their nature. Is there anything? Nature and nurture… yin and yang. There’s so much to know, so many patterns to recognize, and so many people to meet. It’s kinda wild. I wish I was better at talking to people. At least I’m practicing writing a little bit! It’s a lot harder to practice speaking to people; the stakes are so much higher. 

Sometimes the worst thing you can do in a situation is give people too much information.  This is usually fine for me, but sometimes I can’t help myself, especially if I’m writing lmao. I physically can’t stop myself from giving more information than necessary despite having the foresight to know it is going to lead to more questions and less understanding than if I kept it simple. Sometimes I just have to fully explain myself or the reason why something is the way it is. I’m not that great at clearly getting my point across, and it leads to me speaking in riddles. It’s hard to figure out the right amount of “you” to expose to people. Even people I am closest to find I can be a bit too much sometimes. It makes me want to be toned down forever. I feel so stupid, small, and silly when people tell me to calm down when I’m happy. I just feel mad and sad if they say it while I’m in a bad mood or something. I just need to become more confident and comfortable with myself so I don’t pay attention to that so much and let it control my actions. I pretty much exclusively do what I think other people want me to do. I’m not always happy about it though, and that makes people mad! It feels like there’s no winning with other people, so we should pretty much exclusively focus on ourselves and what we want. That just sounds so weird to me though, almost selfish? Once again, we’re coming to the conclusion that everything is a balancing act. 

Maybe I should rent a small space as a workshop. I need to find someone whose handy father/grandfather recently passed away, and they just want to get rid of the stuff without doing it themselves more than actually making money off of it. I guess I just need to keep my eyes peeled for opportunities. Not only that, I need to keep my mind open to them. It’s hard not to allow fear to control you. Not to get off topic, but I’ve been doing quite poorly in my pick ‘em pool the past few weeks. I won 2 weeks this year, so I really can’t complain at all. It’s just sad when you start strong and then fall off a little. That’s like the story of my life though lol.