Chey’s Lounge

Do I have the courage to listen to, not just hear, my inner voice? I was thinking about picking up with the values again for today’s post, but a comment the original one received has me waiting a little longer. Based on this comment from Mr. Wolff, I’m going to silently reflect for a few minutes tomorrow morning. I will do my best to block out any distractions. Not entirely sure if it’ll be the best way to start off a birthday, but I’m not going to wait another day. I’m just going to do it. I won’t force it. I will let the thoughts flow over me rather than primarily focusing on seeking them out. And with that, I will not run away from what pours out. I will try to embrace it. I don’t know if it will come naturally at first, but I will keep trying. I won’t feel discouraged. 

It feels a little silly to be writing about basically planning to meditate. It’s not something I do enough of despite reading good things. It’s something worthy of discussing because for me, it is out of the ordinary and something new. There has been less than a handful of times where I’ve devoted myself to taking a bit of time for deep reflection. So while rare, there has been at least some reflection. Even though I’ve tried a few times, there really was only one where I felt I walked away with something. The biggest lesson I took away from that experience was to be open to the idea that certain things weren’t entirely my fault and even if they were, I’d need to forgive myself. If you were to know what I was mainly in need of forgiving myself for, you would think I’m an actual insane lunatic for having held any form of guilt from it. It stems from childhood, even adolescence. If you can imagine, I also have a hard time forgiving others fully. I really need to work on discerning when it’s truly appropriate to move on from someone, something, or some group. 

It’s hard to be direct, even with myself. It’s so hard to figure out what I want. Sometimes I feel afraid of progress and simply desire distraction. I feel comfortable in a state of mediocrity. When I was in a personal finance phase, I felt myself hit a wall at a certain point because I was too afraid of doing more. Of growing too much. Of losing more. What would I even do if I had more money? 

I’m generally quite risk-averse and I don’t readily embrace change. I’m not going to act all rich, but I’m certainly not strapped for cash at the moment. I’m afraid of reaching for more, but I’m also afraid of the mental toll it would take to not. I’m not getting any younger, so I should really be looking to jump into something new, well, likely some things (plural) if I were to try without a plan. Plans don’t work out half the time anyway. But usually, you’d at least have a backup plan too. Hm. 

I have a feeling I may make some sort of change in the next year or two. I don’t think I need to move somewhere far away, but I don’t think I can stay here doing the exact same thing that much longer. I wish health care wasn’t so intimately tied to employment, it would feel so much more feasible to take some sort of risk or leap. I would feel so much more confident otherwise. I mean, there are so many people out there who switch jobs or aren’t traditionally employed. They’re getting by somehow. Is everyone just scamming the government and everyone else? I just don’t know. Sometimes it feels that way. I know it’s never everyone, but it feels like a lot sometimes and I feel silly for not doing the same. I just can’t bring myself to do things I consider morally wrong. I seem to have a wider definition of what may be seen as morally wrong than a decent amount of people. I’m absolutely not morally superior to anyone, but I just don’t like the way some people live or the decisions they make. I know that it’s bad to judge without knowing what’s going on with people, but like, I can’t help it. Some people probably feel the same way about me.