My brain feels so limited. I feel like my ability to understand new information hits a wall and dives off a cliff at a certain point. Maybe you can push the limits a little, but ultimately, there is a limit to what one can grasp. Today I just feel a little empty. I feel bloated with nothingness. I don’t want to be a perfect employee, I want to be a good employee. I want to be perfect everywhere else though. Perfection is such a slippery slope. At what point does it stop benefiting us to strive for perfection? Maybe I don’t like reading things over because I hate being confronted with my mistakes. Or perhaps it stems from the idea that if I read it over, that means I tried. If I read it over and still miss something or don’t like it after, then I’m a real failure. It’s all in the mindset. This is obviously my mindset and not truths of reality, but it does lowkey feel like my truth.
Chey’s Lounge
Lay down on the chaise lounge with me.
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I love that self-driving cars are a thing. And not a moment too soon. Older people deserve independence, but they SCARE ME!!! I don’t love some of these 80+ year olds who are on the road. I’m trying to distract myself. I think a lot of people are… even when driving! I do wonder how to keep spontaneity alive in the automobile if full self-drive took over completely and there was no steering wheel. Will it be easy to change plans, perhaps execute a quick U-turn at the suggestion of matching match tattoos when passing a tattoo parlor? Kinda specific example there, almost like it’s something that happened. Will not confirm or deny due to reasons I choose not to disclose.
I have little desire to do a deep dive into anything right now. I was trying to think of something, so I looked in my notes for inspiration. A sentence that literally doesn’t make sense caught my eye. These nuances are magnified how they’re exacerbated. What did I mean? What was I trying to say? Nuances magnify how something is exaggerated? There’s really no context to help. I’m such an enigma (in this case, enigma means idiot). Or a Sgeddies. Sgeddies was my old miniature dachshund who was really named Eddie, but his name evolved into Sgeddies. The word “sgeddies” is versatile and its parts of speech usage goes beyond the humble proper noun. To sgeddie is to commit a gravely stupid act. To sgeddie around is to be silly and unserious while simultaneously looking to achieve some mischievous objective. It’s an unsuspecting type of genius because it is most often being an idiot. In my opinion, sgeddies is best used as an adjective. To act like a sgeddie is to act a bit foolish. To do something despite knowing better, whether purposefully or that knowledge slipped the mind at the moment due to focus on the mischievous objective, etc.
Basically, reading that sentence in bold from earlier made me think I’m a little bit of a sgeddies. Well, I guess feel like would be a better way to put it, but not good enough to completely use it as a replacement. I need both to convey that how I feel. What I’m feeling doesn’t really make sense. Or perhaps maybe the root source of how I feel results in the way I feel in ways that are so convoluted they basically… don’t make sense. Idk. I’m just a sgeddies, man. What do you expect?
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I feel sad again today. I don’t really feel like talking much. Idk what I’m going to do about anything. My iPad screen broke. I guess it’s okay. I’ve had it for a few years and don’t really use it. That’s not even really why I’m sad. Idk. Not much to say today, but like, omg. Bro someone on Tumblr commented on that post and said the hat man is an electromagnetic spiritual entity. I originally wrote the hat man post 2 days after the aurora post, where I mentioned geomagnetic energy and how it plausibly affected me. What of life is more like LOST than expected? What if people gave different levels of sensitivity to electromagnetic energy? Why did that lady in the bar in Amsterdam say I’m special? What energy am I emitting? When will I cook again? Will I ever perfect mac and cheese? Have you ever been nervous?
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Ladies and gentlemen, I really have to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. If you’ve read a single sentence I’ve written, you deserve some sort of award, or at the very least, deep appreciation sprinkled with a bit of admiration. I Do Not Like my own thoughts LOL. I was trying to sit with them this morning, as promised. I quite literally failed. I didn’t like it at all. This will be a journey. We aren’t uncovering our real core values quite yet.
Speaking of disliking my own thoughts, I’m really not the biggest fan of reading over what I’ve written. That’s why there’s the occasional typo and the frequently awkward sentence structure. I’ll get over it eventually, right? I guess I have to read this dumb stuff over one day. I’m exaggerating a bit, I do read a little bit of this stuff occasionally. Depends on the day. Depends on the post. I read over most of my Melania Trump, The Hat Man post this past week because I decided to promote it. I have no real goal for this blog, so I just kinda decided to try it out, see what happens. I felt like that post was pretty good to try because it had some photos and it was also a little bit crazy. It actually got a little bit of attention on Tumblr. Most of the comments/tags are just like “hwhat?” LOL. I’m a little surprised people actually interacted with it. I don’t normally interact with too many sponsored posts, personally. However, this was literally just a weird post and I’m not selling anything, why not chuck it a like? Because it’s kinda insane? When has that stopped people from giving out attention?
Even though seeing people say things like, “I can’t tell if whoever greenlit this should be fired or given a raise,” hits me like an 8-ball in the 80s, I’ll probably get sad about it the next time I’m feeling blue. It’s so hard to embrace being different despite the hits of dopamine that come from it. Sometimes I feel sad that I don’t really fit in or have any place in the world where I can be 100% myself because a lot of me is not likable. I need to start liking myself more. Idk how. Maybe I’ll figure it out soon. I think I better stop here before I get sad and ruin this high of enjoying it. I can totally see why people are assholes on the Internet. Attention is one hell of a drug and it doesn’t matter if it’s the purest opium or black tar heroin, that shit will hit and you will crave more. Act wisely.
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Do I have the courage to listen to, not just hear, my inner voice? I was thinking about picking up with the values again for today’s post, but a comment the original one received has me waiting a little longer. Based on this comment from Mr. Wolff, I’m going to silently reflect for a few minutes tomorrow morning. I will do my best to block out any distractions. Not entirely sure if it’ll be the best way to start off a birthday, but I’m not going to wait another day. I’m just going to do it. I won’t force it. I will let the thoughts flow over me rather than primarily focusing on seeking them out. And with that, I will not run away from what pours out. I will try to embrace it. I don’t know if it will come naturally at first, but I will keep trying. I won’t feel discouraged.
It feels a little silly to be writing about basically planning to meditate. It’s not something I do enough of despite reading good things. It’s something worthy of discussing because for me, it is out of the ordinary and something new. There has been less than a handful of times where I’ve devoted myself to taking a bit of time for deep reflection. So while rare, there has been at least some reflection. Even though I’ve tried a few times, there really was only one where I felt I walked away with something. The biggest lesson I took away from that experience was to be open to the idea that certain things weren’t entirely my fault and even if they were, I’d need to forgive myself. If you were to know what I was mainly in need of forgiving myself for, you would think I’m an actual insane lunatic for having held any form of guilt from it. It stems from childhood, even adolescence. If you can imagine, I also have a hard time forgiving others fully. I really need to work on discerning when it’s truly appropriate to move on from someone, something, or some group.
It’s hard to be direct, even with myself. It’s so hard to figure out what I want. Sometimes I feel afraid of progress and simply desire distraction. I feel comfortable in a state of mediocrity. When I was in a personal finance phase, I felt myself hit a wall at a certain point because I was too afraid of doing more. Of growing too much. Of losing more. What would I even do if I had more money?
I’m generally quite risk-averse and I don’t readily embrace change. I’m not going to act all rich, but I’m certainly not strapped for cash at the moment. I’m afraid of reaching for more, but I’m also afraid of the mental toll it would take to not. I’m not getting any younger, so I should really be looking to jump into something new, well, likely some things (plural) if I were to try without a plan. Plans don’t work out half the time anyway. But usually, you’d at least have a backup plan too. Hm.
I have a feeling I may make some sort of change in the next year or two. I don’t think I need to move somewhere far away, but I don’t think I can stay here doing the exact same thing that much longer. I wish health care wasn’t so intimately tied to employment, it would feel so much more feasible to take some sort of risk or leap. I would feel so much more confident otherwise. I mean, there are so many people out there who switch jobs or aren’t traditionally employed. They’re getting by somehow. Is everyone just scamming the government and everyone else? I just don’t know. Sometimes it feels that way. I know it’s never everyone, but it feels like a lot sometimes and I feel silly for not doing the same. I just can’t bring myself to do things I consider morally wrong. I seem to have a wider definition of what may be seen as morally wrong than a decent amount of people. I’m absolutely not morally superior to anyone, but I just don’t like the way some people live or the decisions they make. I know that it’s bad to judge without knowing what’s going on with people, but like, I can’t help it. Some people probably feel the same way about me.
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What foresight of me to not promise part 2 of my post about values today? Another day where I feel tired. Maybe I need to eat more nutritious meals or exercise more consistently. Maybe I need to make a change. Here I go about changes and not knowing what exactly to change. At least I’m searching. I have greater potential to make actionable changes in my life now compared to earlier this year, but I still feel stuck in a pool of molasses. It’s sticky, I feel trapped, and it’s hard to even fathom how I got and remain here. Maybe we really do need a village in life. I need to get unstuck, but I need better infrastructure or help from someone. It’s hard to build the infrastructure to get out when you’re already trapped.
It’s hard to foresee yourself getting trapped somewhere (either physically or metaphorically) before it happens. No one really wants to think about it, and without the benefit of hindsight, it’s hard to see how the results of various actions accumulate to create a certain situation. I guess it’s always best to plan with the worst possible outcome in the back of your mind. Sometimes you think about the worst outcome and really wonder why you keep doing things. Other times, you wonder why it took so long to start doing something. Inaction is so much easier than action, at least for me. At least that’s how it feels… It’s hard for me to start new things in general. I know once I start something and doing it a certain way, I can get stuck doing something silly. Even if I’m actively doing something silly and can think of a better way to do it, if I’ve already started it a certain way, I feel committed to completing it that way. Every once in a while, I will change and change up what I’m doing, but it usually takes a longgg time. When trying something new, sometimes you do genuinely need time to iron out kinks; it’s really hard to discern when it’s time to move on versus to keep going. Or even just to change things up.
Everything feels hard. Life isn’t easy; no one said it was. Apparently, we just need to accept that. There are times where I want to yell back at the universe for how I’ve gotten here. In the end, I’m really just yelling at myself. Speaking of trying to discern when it’s time to move on versus the time to double down on what I am thinking/feeling/doing. I guess that kind of ties back into what I value. Not exactly, so don’t think I’m going to actually get into that again today after all lol.
I don’t know what I think,believe/feel sometimes. This uncertainty doesn’t help much of anything. I just feel wrong so often. I feel wrong and guilty for just being. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. It’s like a war within myself between opposing instincts. I want to feel worthy, and I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to feel that way. I want to feel deserving of the right to be and act as I please. I want to stop seeking external permissions and validation before acting. Currently, I let outside factors influence my decisions rather than inform them. I need to work on that. I need to work on a lot; we all need to keep working on a lot. I guess we should strive to consistently improve ourselves within the framework of our core values, rather than the confines of what sOcIeTy values. I’m just gonna end it here. A little abrupt, but I think it feels right.
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I was thinking about what to write today and remembered something I saw a day or two ago. I saw something that made me briefly reflect on what values I… value. I never really think about it much. Even now, I still haven’t given it much thought. It’s uncomfortable to reflect inwards and learn about yourself. I avoid the uncomfortable a little too much. It’s understandable, but it’s not conducive to growth.
Since I’m not entirely sure what to talk about today (shocking, yes), I was thinking about reflecting and writing about what qualities I value. As I was trying to do so, I realized I probably need a little more time to really iron it out. One thing I think I could do instead is to go over my honorable mentions, the values I find admirable and would like to instill and live by theoretically. Realistically, I know in my heart some of these traits are simply not ones I possess/I don’t value highly because if I did I would probably be living differently. Traits like creativity, optimism, adaptability, kindness, and discipline don’t come naturally/easily to me, at least not consistently. I think values are beliefs you live by, so if it’s a sometimes thing, it’s not something you value a ton. Values change as people change, so it’s probably good for people to do this kind of reflecting every once in a while. I will need a day or two to wrap all of this value stuff up. What do you value? What are your values?
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What do you do when you can’t figure out something you can tolerate for the rest of your life? Or worse, what do you do when you can’t figure out how to create that life for yourself? Or worse yet, if you don’t have the courage to live the life you want? I wonder what kind of person I would be with my nature nurtured differently. How much of me stems from nature and how much from nurture? I think… I actually don’t know what I think because I had to do something else mid-sentence. I probably was thinking about how much of one’s personality is exclusively due to their nature. Is there anything? Nature and nurture… yin and yang. There’s so much to know, so many patterns to recognize, and so many people to meet. It’s kinda wild. I wish I was better at talking to people. At least I’m practicing writing a little bit! It’s a lot harder to practice speaking to people; the stakes are so much higher.
Sometimes the worst thing you can do in a situation is give people too much information. This is usually fine for me, but sometimes I can’t help myself, especially if I’m writing lmao. I physically can’t stop myself from giving more information than necessary despite having the foresight to know it is going to lead to more questions and less understanding than if I kept it simple. Sometimes I just have to fully explain myself or the reason why something is the way it is. I’m not that great at clearly getting my point across, and it leads to me speaking in riddles. It’s hard to figure out the right amount of “you” to expose to people. Even people I am closest to find I can be a bit too much sometimes. It makes me want to be toned down forever. I feel so stupid, small, and silly when people tell me to calm down when I’m happy. I just feel mad and sad if they say it while I’m in a bad mood or something. I just need to become more confident and comfortable with myself so I don’t pay attention to that so much and let it control my actions. I pretty much exclusively do what I think other people want me to do. I’m not always happy about it though, and that makes people mad! It feels like there’s no winning with other people, so we should pretty much exclusively focus on ourselves and what we want. That just sounds so weird to me though, almost selfish? Once again, we’re coming to the conclusion that everything is a balancing act.
Maybe I should rent a small space as a workshop. I need to find someone whose handy father/grandfather recently passed away, and they just want to get rid of the stuff without doing it themselves more than actually making money off of it. I guess I just need to keep my eyes peeled for opportunities. Not only that, I need to keep my mind open to them. It’s hard not to allow fear to control you. Not to get off topic, but I’ve been doing quite poorly in my pick ‘em pool the past few weeks. I won 2 weeks this year, so I really can’t complain at all. It’s just sad when you start strong and then fall off a little. That’s like the story of my life though lol.
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I was wondering what we’re supposed to do to teach children to manage their emotions. I feel like I don’t have control over myself at all times. I think it stems from childhood, but it’s not like I didn’t know good versus bad. It’s not like no one told me to shut up or stop crying, I knew that. In reality, it’s advice most akin to the real world; however, the real world is awful. Parents, the village, etc., need to teach kids how to manage their emotions. Do not ask me how, I do not know, and honestly, if I did know how, for some, it wouldn’t apply to every kid.
Everyone has a limit, right? My tolerance to deal with bad situations is interesting. I can endure poorly. I think I need to be told to get in my lane sometimes; everyone does. I feel like people don’t really like to. There are times where I can’t help but speak out. I don’t like seeing people treated unjustly or unfairly. I don’t like when people don’t take the whole of a situation into account before acting. I can’t say I never do it myself though. When I’m acting on emotion, it’s just crazy, honey. I get so frustrated, and I have no idea what to do with the frustration. Sometimes, the only thing that helps is time. Maybe we should be trying to make ourselves feel better without feeling sorry for ourselves? Idk what to do about anything.
I need to practice self-control. The big issue is this: no one wants to be around someone practicing. It feels best to avoid people. In all actuality, it’s gotta be the best solution. This is why it’s important to teach kids young. Don’t get me wrong, there are a number of people out there who have little tolerance for a child’s shenanigans or slow learning moments, but even the crabbiest person has a greater tolerance for a kid who is learning over an adult. It’s so annoying how people are just expected to know things. Some people need to be expressly taught how to do things. Some people may need repetition. Even if you can learn well just from observing, watching and learning isn’t the same as making a mistake or doing something in an inefficient way and having it immediately corrected. You can watch someone play piano for 40 hours, you’re not going to be better than the person who actually practiced themselves for four.
I guess a lesson we can take away from this one is that we need to keep trying new things. Learning, thinking, and planning will only get one so far. There needs to be some action. You have to do things. You will fail. If I can accept failing, maybe I can finally learn French or take a risk that can change my future.
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Is there a universe where Proto-Indo-European is called Proto-Indo-European (PIE)? This is one of my worst jokes. Either they don’t get it or they think it’s stupid. To be fair, it is stupid. The second stupidest joke in my repertoire is to say something along the lines of, “Nothing like the luck of the Ivory Coast!” Equally stupid, but at least it pays homage to my passion for vexillology.
I wrote a lot yesterday. I don’t have too much to say today. I’m a little tired. I’m ready for a nap. It’s nearly 8 p.m. Some may argue I’m ready for bed. I would argue against them. Maybe they’re right, but I still hold strong that it’s always the right time for a short snooze. One can lay down for a little slumber at 9 p.m. and still have an oyster of a world upon awakening.
I guess I should at least explain the PIE joke a little. In some recent posts, I’ve been reflecting on the possibility of multiple dimensions, different realities, etc. One theory that’s along the same lines as those ideas is the concept that there are an infinite number of universes. If there are infinite universes, every possibility that could exist, exists, an infinite number of times. If this is the case, then there’s some out there where PIE exists the way we’ve attempted to reconstruct it, and it is named PIE. Incredible. I don’t think anyone else thinks so. That’s okay.
I keep thinking about all these different worlds and realities. Maybe mine would be better if I focused on it more. Maybe it would be worse though, you just never know! I guess I’m at least doing something by writing these posts. I will figure things out sooner or later. If not, I’ll at least know better than I do now.
Chey’s Lounge 