Chey’s Lounge

What foresight of me to not promise part 2 of my post about values today? Another day where I feel tired. Maybe I need to eat more nutritious meals or exercise more consistently. Maybe I need to make a change. Here I go about changes and not knowing what exactly to change. At least I’m searching. I have greater potential to make actionable changes in my life now compared to earlier this year, but I still feel stuck in a pool of molasses. It’s sticky, I feel trapped, and it’s hard to even fathom how I got and remain here. Maybe we really do need a village in life. I need to get unstuck, but I need better infrastructure or help from someone. It’s hard to build the infrastructure to get out when you’re already trapped. 

It’s hard to foresee yourself getting trapped somewhere (either physically or metaphorically) before it happens. No one really wants to think about it, and without the benefit of hindsight, it’s hard to see how the results of various actions accumulate to create a certain situation. I guess it’s always best to plan with the worst possible outcome in the back of your mind. Sometimes you think about the worst outcome and really wonder why you keep doing things. Other times, you wonder why it took so long to start doing something. Inaction is so much easier than action, at least for me. At least that’s how it feels… It’s hard for me to start new things in general. I know once I start something and doing it a certain way, I can get stuck doing something silly. Even if I’m actively doing something silly and can think of a better way to do it, if I’ve already started it a certain way, I feel committed to completing it that way. Every once in a while, I will change and change up what I’m doing, but it usually takes a longgg time. When trying something new, sometimes you do genuinely need time to iron out kinks; it’s really hard to discern when it’s time to move on versus to keep going. Or even just to change things up. 

Everything feels hard. Life isn’t easy; no one said it was. Apparently, we just need to accept that. There are times where I want to yell back at the universe for how I’ve gotten here. In the end, I’m really just yelling at myself. Speaking of trying to discern when it’s time to move on versus the time to double down on what I am thinking/feeling/doing. I guess that kind of ties back into what I value. Not exactly, so don’t think I’m going to actually get into that again today after all lol. 

I don’t know what I think,believe/feel sometimes. This uncertainty doesn’t help much of anything. I just feel wrong so often. I feel wrong and guilty for just being. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. It’s like a war within myself between opposing instincts.  I want to feel worthy, and I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to feel that way. I want to feel deserving of the right to be and act as I please. I want to stop seeking external permissions and validation before acting. Currently, I let outside factors influence my decisions rather than inform them. I need to work on that. I need to work on a lot; we all need to keep working on a lot. I guess we should strive to consistently improve ourselves within the framework of our core values, rather than the confines of what sOcIeTy values. I’m just gonna end it here. A little abrupt, but I think it feels right.