Chey’s Lounge

Lay down on the chaise lounge with me.

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  • Today is (American) Thanksgiving. 

    I have an old phone I haven’t been able to get into in years. It broke. I think maybe I should try to plug it into my laptop. The problem is, I can’t remember which phone it was and where it is. I will likely locate it soon, though, so I’ve been thinking about it. Thinking about a lot lately. Trying not to. Definitely not trying to think deeply. It’s uncomfortable. I’ll try again soon. 

    I have some leftovers from Thanksgiving. Isn’t it crazy you never know when your last Thanksgiving will be with certain people? I think I want to try to make Thanksgiving leftovers filled crepes. If I do, I will update. As far as I remember, I don’t believe I’ve ever made a crepe. I am more than a little nervous. It will be okay if it isn’t okay, though. The stakes are low. Need to remember that more. 

  • Tomorrow is (American) Thanksgiving. Thankful for You. Yes, You. Toodaloo

    Not much to say tonight. I am trying to be positive. I am trying. Idk if I am trying my best. It’s hard to know when you’ve truly pushed yourself to your absolute limits. But is that even your best? Because it takes away from other things. What is the opportunity cost of trying too hard? will chat soon.

  • Posted At The (Fake) Deadline!

    The night is so not young, yet I haven’t started typing anything with the intention of posting tonight. I did write some little things on a piece of printer paper, though, so that’s something. Doesn’t help me too much in this final stretch to midnight, I guess! No, it does a little. At least I have some ideas. One of the ideas is something I’ve been debating on writing about for a little while. Now that the time has come, idk if the moment is right. Maybe I’m just feeling lazy. It’s just about pasta that wasn’t garlicky enough to satiate what I had desired at the time. I did a lot to try to get it there, but it just didn’t happen. I wonder if I’ll write about it now or keep waiting til later. 

    The first thing I wrote down on that beautiful 8.5” x 11” was, “Trying to get into a book, but it hasn’t been as easy as the last one I read. Maybe I just haven’t dedicated enough time to get into a flow. Speaking of dedicating time, I haven’t sat with my thoughts in the morning since the first try. I guess I should try again soon before I lose all the motivation to. I haven’t been that motivated lately. One thing I have been doing besides aimless scrolling is Sudoku. I must confess, I think the app/website I use is kinda cheating because it highlights some stuff and makes visualization so much easier. I do at least play using the hardest difficulty. Even if I were to concentrate completely and without interruption, I think it would still take at least 30 minutes to complete. Aka I couldn’t finish one before tomorrow at the time I’m typing this. 

    Okay, I’m gonna say what I wanted to say, maybe not as well or as detailed as originally intended, but we shall see where this goes in the next 20 minutes. I haven’t cooked much recently. I do miss it. I did cook pasta with broccoli last week. It’s something I had been craving for a few weeks, but since I have not been cooking much, it took a sec to come to fruition. My dad would make this for me basically every time my mom went away. He’s a good cook, even his weeknight broccoli is something I’ve been striving to replicate and have failed to compare to. Now that I’m thinking about it, I wonder if it needed more salt… Oh well, can’t know for sure now. 

    So what did I do? Well, here’s what I did! I will probably be bad and switch between different points of view, ie. first or second person, maybe third. I started with a vision. I wanted to start by whipping up a little garlic-infused olive oil. Heat up some whole cloves in oil until your heart tells you the time is right. Once your heart whispers that it’s time, take out the garlic and crush it in a mortar and pestle. Save for later. Now we need to heat up some smaller slices of garlic in that infused olive oil. I thought I used enough, but maybe not. After that’s looking good, I add steamed broccoli to the pan and give it a nice stir. Pasta is boiling during all of this, btw. Actually, it just finished and we are throwing some into the pan along with some pasta water and basically all the leftover infused olive oil. At this point, I added the cooked garlic I crushed into a paste too. All we need now is a little grated parmigiano reggiano. I may have missed something, but that’s what I did. Let me know your garlic tips and tricks, please. Thank you. 

  • So What if I Have Bad Taste? At Least I’m Honest About it!

    My brain feels so limited. I feel like my ability to understand new information hits a wall and dives off a cliff at a certain point. Maybe you can push the limits a little, but ultimately, there is a limit to what one can grasp. Today I just feel a little empty. I feel bloated with nothingness. I don’t want to be a perfect employee, I want to be a good employee. I want to be perfect everywhere else though. Perfection is such a slippery slope. At what point does it stop benefiting us to strive for perfection? Maybe I don’t like reading things over because I hate being confronted with my mistakes. Or perhaps it stems from the idea that if I read it over, that means I tried. If I read it over and still miss something or don’t like it after, then I’m a real failure. It’s all in the mindset. This is obviously my mindset and not truths of reality, but it does lowkey feel like my truth. 

  • Sgeddie Eddie Eddie Macaroni Baloney Eddie

    I love that self-driving cars are a thing. And not a moment too soon. Older people deserve independence, but they SCARE ME!!! I don’t love some of these 80+ year olds who are on the road. I’m trying to distract myself. I think a lot of people are… even when driving! I do wonder how to keep spontaneity alive in the automobile if full self-drive took over completely and there was no steering wheel. Will it be easy to change plans, perhaps execute a quick U-turn at the suggestion of matching match tattoos when passing a tattoo parlor? Kinda specific example there, almost like it’s something that happened. Will not confirm or deny due to reasons I choose not to disclose. 

    I have little desire to do a deep dive into anything right now. I was trying to think of something, so I looked in my notes for inspiration. A sentence that literally doesn’t make sense caught my eye. These nuances are magnified how they’re exacerbated. What did I mean? What was I trying to say? Nuances magnify how something is exaggerated? There’s really no context to help. I’m such an enigma (in this case, enigma means idiot). Or a Sgeddies. Sgeddies was my old miniature dachshund who was really named Eddie, but his name evolved into Sgeddies. The word “sgeddies” is versatile and its parts of speech usage goes beyond the humble proper noun. To sgeddie is to commit a gravely stupid act. To sgeddie around is to be silly and unserious while simultaneously looking to achieve some mischievous objective. It’s an unsuspecting type of genius because it is most often being an idiot. In my opinion, sgeddies is best used as an adjective. To act like a sgeddie is to act a bit foolish. To do something despite knowing better, whether purposefully or that knowledge slipped the mind at the moment due to focus on the mischievous objective, etc. 

    Basically, reading that sentence in bold from earlier made me think I’m a little bit of a sgeddies. Well, I guess feel like would be a better way to put it, but not good enough to completely use it as a replacement. I need both to convey that how I feel. What I’m feeling doesn’t really make sense. Or perhaps maybe the root source of how I feel results in the way I feel in ways that are so convoluted they basically… don’t make sense. Idk. I’m just a sgeddies, man. What do you expect?

  • Feeling Feelings and Broken Mac & Cheese

    I feel sad again today. I don’t really feel like talking much. Idk what I’m going to do about anything. My iPad screen broke. I guess it’s okay. I’ve had it for a few years and don’t really use it. That’s not even really why I’m sad. Idk. Not much to say today, but like, omg. Bro someone on Tumblr commented on that post and said the hat man is an electromagnetic spiritual entity. I originally wrote the hat man post 2 days after the aurora post, where I mentioned geomagnetic energy and how it plausibly affected me. What of life is more like LOST than expected? What if people gave different levels of sensitivity to electromagnetic energy? Why did that lady in the bar in Amsterdam say I’m special? What energy am I emitting? When will I cook again? Will I ever perfect mac and cheese? Have you ever been nervous? 

  • We Are Almost Done With Today and Nothing Bad Happened. That’s a Pretty Good Day in My Blog

    Ladies and gentlemen, I really have to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. If you’ve read a single sentence I’ve written, you deserve some sort of award, or at the very least, deep appreciation sprinkled with a bit of admiration. I Do Not Like my own thoughts LOL. I was trying to sit with them this morning, as promised. I quite literally failed. I didn’t like it at all. This will be a journey. We aren’t uncovering our real core values quite yet. 

    Speaking of disliking my own thoughts, I’m really not the biggest fan of reading over what I’ve written. That’s why there’s the occasional typo and the frequently awkward sentence structure. I’ll get over it eventually, right? I guess I have to read this dumb stuff over one day. I’m exaggerating a bit, I do read a little bit of this stuff occasionally. Depends on the day. Depends on the post. I read over most of my Melania Trump, The Hat Man post this past week because I decided to promote it. I have no real goal for this blog, so I just kinda decided to try it out, see what happens. I felt like that post was pretty good to try because it had some photos and it was also a little bit crazy. It actually got a little bit of attention on Tumblr. Most of the comments/tags are just like “hwhat?” LOL. I’m a little surprised people actually interacted with it. I don’t normally interact with too many sponsored posts, personally. However, this was literally just a weird post and I’m not selling anything, why not chuck it a like? Because it’s kinda insane? When has that stopped people from giving out attention? 

    Even though seeing people say things like, “I can’t tell if whoever greenlit this should be fired or given a raise,” hits me like an 8-ball in the 80s, I’ll probably get sad about it the next time I’m feeling blue. It’s so hard to embrace being different despite the hits of dopamine that come from it. Sometimes I feel sad that I don’t really fit in or have any place in the world where I can be 100% myself because a lot of me is not likable. I need to start liking myself more. Idk how. Maybe I’ll figure it out soon. I think I better stop here before I get sad and ruin this high of enjoying it. I can totally see why people are assholes on the Internet. Attention is one hell of a drug and it doesn’t matter if it’s the purest opium or black tar heroin, that shit will hit and you will crave more. Act wisely. 

  • All We Can Do is All We Can Do. Yes, the Title of Yesterday’s Post Had a Typo. No, it Wasn’t Intentional. No, I Didn’t Feel Compelled to Correct It. 

    Do I have the courage to listen to, not just hear, my inner voice? I was thinking about picking up with the values again for today’s post, but a comment the original one received has me waiting a little longer. Based on this comment from Mr. Wolff, I’m going to silently reflect for a few minutes tomorrow morning. I will do my best to block out any distractions. Not entirely sure if it’ll be the best way to start off a birthday, but I’m not going to wait another day. I’m just going to do it. I won’t force it. I will let the thoughts flow over me rather than primarily focusing on seeking them out. And with that, I will not run away from what pours out. I will try to embrace it. I don’t know if it will come naturally at first, but I will keep trying. I won’t feel discouraged. 

    It feels a little silly to be writing about basically planning to meditate. It’s not something I do enough of despite reading good things. It’s something worthy of discussing because for me, it is out of the ordinary and something new. There has been less than a handful of times where I’ve devoted myself to taking a bit of time for deep reflection. So while rare, there has been at least some reflection. Even though I’ve tried a few times, there really was only one where I felt I walked away with something. The biggest lesson I took away from that experience was to be open to the idea that certain things weren’t entirely my fault and even if they were, I’d need to forgive myself. If you were to know what I was mainly in need of forgiving myself for, you would think I’m an actual insane lunatic for having held any form of guilt from it. It stems from childhood, even adolescence. If you can imagine, I also have a hard time forgiving others fully. I really need to work on discerning when it’s truly appropriate to move on from someone, something, or some group. 

    It’s hard to be direct, even with myself. It’s so hard to figure out what I want. Sometimes I feel afraid of progress and simply desire distraction. I feel comfortable in a state of mediocrity. When I was in a personal finance phase, I felt myself hit a wall at a certain point because I was too afraid of doing more. Of growing too much. Of losing more. What would I even do if I had more money? 

    I’m generally quite risk-averse and I don’t readily embrace change. I’m not going to act all rich, but I’m certainly not strapped for cash at the moment. I’m afraid of reaching for more, but I’m also afraid of the mental toll it would take to not. I’m not getting any younger, so I should really be looking to jump into something new, well, likely some things (plural) if I were to try without a plan. Plans don’t work out half the time anyway. But usually, you’d at least have a backup plan too. Hm. 

    I have a feeling I may make some sort of change in the next year or two. I don’t think I need to move somewhere far away, but I don’t think I can stay here doing the exact same thing that much longer. I wish health care wasn’t so intimately tied to employment, it would feel so much more feasible to take some sort of risk or leap. I would feel so much more confident otherwise. I mean, there are so many people out there who switch jobs or aren’t traditionally employed. They’re getting by somehow. Is everyone just scamming the government and everyone else? I just don’t know. Sometimes it feels that way. I know it’s never everyone, but it feels like a lot sometimes and I feel silly for not doing the same. I just can’t bring myself to do things I consider morally wrong. I seem to have a wider definition of what may be seen as morally wrong than a decent amount of people. I’m absolutely not morally superior to anyone, but I just don’t like the way some people live or the decisions they make. I know that it’s bad to judge without knowing what’s going on with people, but like, I can’t help it. Some people probably feel the same way about me. 

  • Tell Me What You Want What You Really Really Want Because I Don’t Have The Confidence Yo Decide What I Want On My Own Sometimes

    What foresight of me to not promise part 2 of my post about values today? Another day where I feel tired. Maybe I need to eat more nutritious meals or exercise more consistently. Maybe I need to make a change. Here I go about changes and not knowing what exactly to change. At least I’m searching. I have greater potential to make actionable changes in my life now compared to earlier this year, but I still feel stuck in a pool of molasses. It’s sticky, I feel trapped, and it’s hard to even fathom how I got and remain here. Maybe we really do need a village in life. I need to get unstuck, but I need better infrastructure or help from someone. It’s hard to build the infrastructure to get out when you’re already trapped. 

    It’s hard to foresee yourself getting trapped somewhere (either physically or metaphorically) before it happens. No one really wants to think about it, and without the benefit of hindsight, it’s hard to see how the results of various actions accumulate to create a certain situation. I guess it’s always best to plan with the worst possible outcome in the back of your mind. Sometimes you think about the worst outcome and really wonder why you keep doing things. Other times, you wonder why it took so long to start doing something. Inaction is so much easier than action, at least for me. At least that’s how it feels… It’s hard for me to start new things in general. I know once I start something and doing it a certain way, I can get stuck doing something silly. Even if I’m actively doing something silly and can think of a better way to do it, if I’ve already started it a certain way, I feel committed to completing it that way. Every once in a while, I will change and change up what I’m doing, but it usually takes a longgg time. When trying something new, sometimes you do genuinely need time to iron out kinks; it’s really hard to discern when it’s time to move on versus to keep going. Or even just to change things up. 

    Everything feels hard. Life isn’t easy; no one said it was. Apparently, we just need to accept that. There are times where I want to yell back at the universe for how I’ve gotten here. In the end, I’m really just yelling at myself. Speaking of trying to discern when it’s time to move on versus the time to double down on what I am thinking/feeling/doing. I guess that kind of ties back into what I value. Not exactly, so don’t think I’m going to actually get into that again today after all lol. 

    I don’t know what I think,believe/feel sometimes. This uncertainty doesn’t help much of anything. I just feel wrong so often. I feel wrong and guilty for just being. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. It’s like a war within myself between opposing instincts.  I want to feel worthy, and I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to feel that way. I want to feel deserving of the right to be and act as I please. I want to stop seeking external permissions and validation before acting. Currently, I let outside factors influence my decisions rather than inform them. I need to work on that. I need to work on a lot; we all need to keep working on a lot. I guess we should strive to consistently improve ourselves within the framework of our core values, rather than the confines of what sOcIeTy values. I’m just gonna end it here. A little abrupt, but I think it feels right.

  • Value Stores Are Still Here. Dollar Stores Are Dead. What Do You Value?

    I was thinking about what to write today and remembered something I saw a day or two ago. I saw something that made me briefly reflect on what values I… value. I never really think about it much. Even now, I still haven’t given it much thought. It’s uncomfortable to reflect inwards and learn about yourself. I avoid the uncomfortable a little too much. It’s understandable, but it’s not conducive to growth. 

    Since I’m not entirely sure what to talk about today (shocking, yes), I was thinking about reflecting and writing about what qualities I value. As I was trying to do so, I realized I probably need a little more time to really iron it out. One thing I think I could do instead is to go over my honorable mentions, the values I find admirable and would like to instill and live by theoretically. Realistically, I know in my heart some of these traits are simply not ones I possess/I don’t value highly because if I did I would probably be living differently. Traits like creativity, optimism, adaptability, kindness, and discipline don’t come naturally/easily to me, at least not consistently. I think values are beliefs you live by, so if it’s a sometimes thing, it’s not something you value a ton. Values change as people change, so it’s probably good for people to do this kind of reflecting every once in a while. I will need a day or two to wrap all of this value stuff up. What do you value? What are your values?