Chey’s Lounge

Lay down on the chaise lounge with me.

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  • All We Can Do is All We Can Do. Yes, the Title of Yesterday’s Post Had a Typo. No, it Wasn’t Intentional. No, I Didn’t Feel Compelled to Correct It. 

    Do I have the courage to listen to, not just hear, my inner voice? I was thinking about picking up with the values again for today’s post, but a comment the original one received has me waiting a little longer. Based on this comment from Mr. Wolff, I’m going to silently reflect for a few minutes tomorrow morning. I will do my best to block out any distractions. Not entirely sure if it’ll be the best way to start off a birthday, but I’m not going to wait another day. I’m just going to do it. I won’t force it. I will let the thoughts flow over me rather than primarily focusing on seeking them out. And with that, I will not run away from what pours out. I will try to embrace it. I don’t know if it will come naturally at first, but I will keep trying. I won’t feel discouraged. 

    It feels a little silly to be writing about basically planning to meditate. It’s not something I do enough of despite reading good things. It’s something worthy of discussing because for me, it is out of the ordinary and something new. There has been less than a handful of times where I’ve devoted myself to taking a bit of time for deep reflection. So while rare, there has been at least some reflection. Even though I’ve tried a few times, there really was only one where I felt I walked away with something. The biggest lesson I took away from that experience was to be open to the idea that certain things weren’t entirely my fault and even if they were, I’d need to forgive myself. If you were to know what I was mainly in need of forgiving myself for, you would think I’m an actual insane lunatic for having held any form of guilt from it. It stems from childhood, even adolescence. If you can imagine, I also have a hard time forgiving others fully. I really need to work on discerning when it’s truly appropriate to move on from someone, something, or some group. 

    It’s hard to be direct, even with myself. It’s so hard to figure out what I want. Sometimes I feel afraid of progress and simply desire distraction. I feel comfortable in a state of mediocrity. When I was in a personal finance phase, I felt myself hit a wall at a certain point because I was too afraid of doing more. Of growing too much. Of losing more. What would I even do if I had more money? 

    I’m generally quite risk-averse and I don’t readily embrace change. I’m not going to act all rich, but I’m certainly not strapped for cash at the moment. I’m afraid of reaching for more, but I’m also afraid of the mental toll it would take to not. I’m not getting any younger, so I should really be looking to jump into something new, well, likely some things (plural) if I were to try without a plan. Plans don’t work out half the time anyway. But usually, you’d at least have a backup plan too. Hm. 

    I have a feeling I may make some sort of change in the next year or two. I don’t think I need to move somewhere far away, but I don’t think I can stay here doing the exact same thing that much longer. I wish health care wasn’t so intimately tied to employment, it would feel so much more feasible to take some sort of risk or leap. I would feel so much more confident otherwise. I mean, there are so many people out there who switch jobs or aren’t traditionally employed. They’re getting by somehow. Is everyone just scamming the government and everyone else? I just don’t know. Sometimes it feels that way. I know it’s never everyone, but it feels like a lot sometimes and I feel silly for not doing the same. I just can’t bring myself to do things I consider morally wrong. I seem to have a wider definition of what may be seen as morally wrong than a decent amount of people. I’m absolutely not morally superior to anyone, but I just don’t like the way some people live or the decisions they make. I know that it’s bad to judge without knowing what’s going on with people, but like, I can’t help it. Some people probably feel the same way about me. 

  • Tell Me What You Want What You Really Really Want Because I Don’t Have The Confidence Yo Decide What I Want On My Own Sometimes

    What foresight of me to not promise part 2 of my post about values today? Another day where I feel tired. Maybe I need to eat more nutritious meals or exercise more consistently. Maybe I need to make a change. Here I go about changes and not knowing what exactly to change. At least I’m searching. I have greater potential to make actionable changes in my life now compared to earlier this year, but I still feel stuck in a pool of molasses. It’s sticky, I feel trapped, and it’s hard to even fathom how I got and remain here. Maybe we really do need a village in life. I need to get unstuck, but I need better infrastructure or help from someone. It’s hard to build the infrastructure to get out when you’re already trapped. 

    It’s hard to foresee yourself getting trapped somewhere (either physically or metaphorically) before it happens. No one really wants to think about it, and without the benefit of hindsight, it’s hard to see how the results of various actions accumulate to create a certain situation. I guess it’s always best to plan with the worst possible outcome in the back of your mind. Sometimes you think about the worst outcome and really wonder why you keep doing things. Other times, you wonder why it took so long to start doing something. Inaction is so much easier than action, at least for me. At least that’s how it feels… It’s hard for me to start new things in general. I know once I start something and doing it a certain way, I can get stuck doing something silly. Even if I’m actively doing something silly and can think of a better way to do it, if I’ve already started it a certain way, I feel committed to completing it that way. Every once in a while, I will change and change up what I’m doing, but it usually takes a longgg time. When trying something new, sometimes you do genuinely need time to iron out kinks; it’s really hard to discern when it’s time to move on versus to keep going. Or even just to change things up. 

    Everything feels hard. Life isn’t easy; no one said it was. Apparently, we just need to accept that. There are times where I want to yell back at the universe for how I’ve gotten here. In the end, I’m really just yelling at myself. Speaking of trying to discern when it’s time to move on versus the time to double down on what I am thinking/feeling/doing. I guess that kind of ties back into what I value. Not exactly, so don’t think I’m going to actually get into that again today after all lol. 

    I don’t know what I think,believe/feel sometimes. This uncertainty doesn’t help much of anything. I just feel wrong so often. I feel wrong and guilty for just being. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. It’s like a war within myself between opposing instincts.  I want to feel worthy, and I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to feel that way. I want to feel deserving of the right to be and act as I please. I want to stop seeking external permissions and validation before acting. Currently, I let outside factors influence my decisions rather than inform them. I need to work on that. I need to work on a lot; we all need to keep working on a lot. I guess we should strive to consistently improve ourselves within the framework of our core values, rather than the confines of what sOcIeTy values. I’m just gonna end it here. A little abrupt, but I think it feels right.

  • Value Stores Are Still Here. Dollar Stores Are Dead. What Do You Value?

    I was thinking about what to write today and remembered something I saw a day or two ago. I saw something that made me briefly reflect on what values I… value. I never really think about it much. Even now, I still haven’t given it much thought. It’s uncomfortable to reflect inwards and learn about yourself. I avoid the uncomfortable a little too much. It’s understandable, but it’s not conducive to growth. 

    Since I’m not entirely sure what to talk about today (shocking, yes), I was thinking about reflecting and writing about what qualities I value. As I was trying to do so, I realized I probably need a little more time to really iron it out. One thing I think I could do instead is to go over my honorable mentions, the values I find admirable and would like to instill and live by theoretically. Realistically, I know in my heart some of these traits are simply not ones I possess/I don’t value highly because if I did I would probably be living differently. Traits like creativity, optimism, adaptability, kindness, and discipline don’t come naturally/easily to me, at least not consistently. I think values are beliefs you live by, so if it’s a sometimes thing, it’s not something you value a ton. Values change as people change, so it’s probably good for people to do this kind of reflecting every once in a while. I will need a day or two to wrap all of this value stuff up. What do you value? What are your values? 

  • Ménage A Trois. This Post Feels Like It Should’ve Been Three Separate Posts. It Basically is, Just In A Trench Coat

    What do you do when you can’t figure out something you can tolerate for the rest of your life? Or worse, what do you do when you can’t figure out how to create that life for yourself? Or worse yet, if you don’t have the courage to live the life you want? I wonder what kind of person I would be with my nature nurtured differently. How much of me stems from nature and how much from nurture? I think… I actually don’t know what I think because I had to do something else mid-sentence. I probably was thinking about how much of one’s personality is exclusively due to their nature. Is there anything? Nature and nurture… yin and yang. There’s so much to know, so many patterns to recognize, and so many people to meet. It’s kinda wild. I wish I was better at talking to people. At least I’m practicing writing a little bit! It’s a lot harder to practice speaking to people; the stakes are so much higher. 

    Sometimes the worst thing you can do in a situation is give people too much information.  This is usually fine for me, but sometimes I can’t help myself, especially if I’m writing lmao. I physically can’t stop myself from giving more information than necessary despite having the foresight to know it is going to lead to more questions and less understanding than if I kept it simple. Sometimes I just have to fully explain myself or the reason why something is the way it is. I’m not that great at clearly getting my point across, and it leads to me speaking in riddles. It’s hard to figure out the right amount of “you” to expose to people. Even people I am closest to find I can be a bit too much sometimes. It makes me want to be toned down forever. I feel so stupid, small, and silly when people tell me to calm down when I’m happy. I just feel mad and sad if they say it while I’m in a bad mood or something. I just need to become more confident and comfortable with myself so I don’t pay attention to that so much and let it control my actions. I pretty much exclusively do what I think other people want me to do. I’m not always happy about it though, and that makes people mad! It feels like there’s no winning with other people, so we should pretty much exclusively focus on ourselves and what we want. That just sounds so weird to me though, almost selfish? Once again, we’re coming to the conclusion that everything is a balancing act. 

    Maybe I should rent a small space as a workshop. I need to find someone whose handy father/grandfather recently passed away, and they just want to get rid of the stuff without doing it themselves more than actually making money off of it. I guess I just need to keep my eyes peeled for opportunities. Not only that, I need to keep my mind open to them. It’s hard not to allow fear to control you. Not to get off topic, but I’ve been doing quite poorly in my pick ‘em pool the past few weeks. I won 2 weeks this year, so I really can’t complain at all. It’s just sad when you start strong and then fall off a little. That’s like the story of my life though lol. 

  • Practice Now. You’re Not Getting Any Younger and Starting Will Get More Difficult Each Day (if you’re weird like me)

    I was wondering what we’re supposed to do to teach children to manage their emotions. I feel like I don’t have control over myself at all times. I think it stems from childhood, but it’s not like I didn’t know good versus bad. It’s not like no one told me to shut up or stop crying, I knew that. In reality, it’s advice most akin to the real world; however, the real world is awful. Parents, the village, etc., need to teach kids how to manage their emotions. Do not ask me how, I do not know, and honestly, if I did know how, for some, it wouldn’t apply to every kid. 

    Everyone has a limit, right? My tolerance to deal with bad situations is interesting. I can endure poorly. I think I need to be told to get in my lane sometimes; everyone does. I feel like people don’t really like to. There are times where I can’t help but speak out. I don’t like seeing people treated unjustly or unfairly. I don’t like when people don’t take the whole of a situation into account before acting. I can’t say I never do it myself though. When I’m acting on emotion, it’s just crazy, honey. I get so frustrated, and I have no idea what to do with the frustration. Sometimes, the only thing that helps is time. Maybe we should be trying to make ourselves feel better without feeling sorry for ourselves? Idk what to do about anything. 

    I need to practice self-control. The big issue is this: no one wants to be around someone practicing. It feels best to avoid people. In all actuality, it’s gotta be the best solution. This is why it’s important to teach kids young. Don’t get me wrong, there are a number of people out there who have little tolerance for a child’s shenanigans or slow learning moments, but even the crabbiest person has a greater tolerance for a kid who is learning over an adult. It’s so annoying how people are just expected to know things. Some people need to be expressly taught how to do things. Some people may need repetition. Even if you can learn well just from observing, watching and learning isn’t the same as making a mistake or doing something in an inefficient way and having it immediately corrected. You can watch someone play piano for 40 hours, you’re not going to be better than the person who actually practiced themselves for four. 

    I guess a lesson we can take away from this one is that we need to keep trying new things. Learning, thinking, and planning will only get one so far. There needs to be some action. You have to do things. You will fail. If I can accept failing, maybe I can finally learn French or take a risk that can change my future. 

  • Proto-Indo-European. Happy Birthday to You. You’re a Hypothetical Concept

    Is there a universe where Proto-Indo-European is called Proto-Indo-European (PIE)? This is one of my worst jokes. Either they don’t get it or they think it’s stupid. To be fair, it is stupid. The second stupidest joke in my repertoire is to say something along the lines of, “Nothing like the luck of the Ivory Coast!” Equally stupid, but at least it pays homage to my passion for vexillology. 

    I wrote a lot yesterday. I don’t have too much to say today. I’m a little tired. I’m ready for a nap. It’s nearly 8 p.m. Some may argue I’m ready for bed. I would argue against them. Maybe they’re right, but I still hold strong that it’s always the right time for a short snooze. One can lay down for a little slumber at 9 p.m. and still have an oyster of a world upon awakening. 

    I guess I should at least explain the PIE joke a little. In some recent posts, I’ve been reflecting on the possibility of multiple dimensions, different realities, etc. One theory that’s along the same lines as those ideas is the concept that there are an infinite number of universes. If there are infinite universes, every possibility that could exist, exists, an infinite number of times. If this is the case, then there’s some out there where PIE exists the way we’ve attempted to reconstruct it, and it is named PIE. Incredible. I don’t think anyone else thinks so. That’s okay. 

    I keep thinking about all these different worlds and realities. Maybe mine would be better if I focused on it more. Maybe it would be worse though, you just never know! I guess I’m at least doing something by writing these posts. I will figure things out sooner or later. If not, I’ll at least know better than I do now. 

  • Melania Trump, the Hat Man

    Have you seen this man in your dreams? You probably haven’t. I’m pretty sure this was a hoax. I love the idea behind it though. http://www.thisman.org is still active though. I have to respect whoever is paying for that. Someone is, right? I’m pretty sure I haven’t written about the Hat Man yet, right? He’s been on my mind ever since Melania Trump basically dressed like the shadow figure I’d see in my dreams as a child. 

    I was definitely a kid who was afraid of ghosts, closets, sometimes the dark, etc. I had a lot of nightmares as a child. I was also able to fly in my sleep though, so you win some, you lose some. I had a few different recurring nightmares. One major theme was someone trying to get inside while I was home alone. Sometimes I’d dream I was outside in the front yard and people would pull up, get out of their car, and approach me. I couldn’t scream and I ran in slow motion in my dreams. I almost started feeling like I couldn’t run in real life either sometimes because the dreams would feel so real that the feelings would carry over. I don’t think that’s entirely uncommon though. I’d hate the feeling of trying to keep the door closed, meanwhile in hindsight, they could just break a window and get in that way if they’re really committed. Dreams don’t make sense. 

    Another common theme was interactions with what I now refer to as the Hat Man. Why? Well, I want to talk about something else first, so you’ll have to wait to find out. So, the Hat Man. He mostly lurked in a room upstairs in my house. There was a door directly to the right of the staircase. Well, sometimes there was a door, other times the door was broken off the hinges and there was just a sheet. The stairs are just wooden, no carpet, a lot of open space. There are a few wood pieces that act as support/structure between the stairs and the railing. They’re the kind of stairs that make you think a monster is going to grab your ankles through the slots. 

    Like with the potential kidnapping dreams, I couldn’t scream when the Hat Man was around. I wanted to. He wanted to take me. The Hat Man wore a wide-brimmed hat and was a completely black entity. He’s shaped like a man and gives off the vibe he is dressed nicely; however, I couldn’t tell you why because there really were no distinguishing features besides the hat. A mere shadow void of matter, yet able to interact with the physical world. 

    He never left the room he was in when he was grabbing me. His arms and fingers would stretch to grab me. Even when I was awake, I would hate running past the staircase at night. Notice I did say running. I usually ran past the stairs at night, even during the day sometimes when I was feeling extra spooked. In my dreams, the Hat Man would grab me as I was passing the stairs. I only remember the struggle of being grabbed, not what happened if/after he got me upstairs. His arms elongated to grab me, usually by the legs. He’d pull me up the stairs and I would try my best to grab onto something on the stairs to try to stop him from taking me into that room to the right of the staircase. Most of the time in these dreams, one or two of my parents would be mere feet away, but they’d always be looking the other way. I’d try to scream and nothing would come out. No one, not even those closest to me, was going to save me. 

    Over time, the Hat Man dreams stopped. I haven’t seen him in years. I’m not trying to invite him to visit either. Here’s the thing: over 15 years ago, I told my best friend since birth at the time about those dreams, and she was like, “ The Hat Man?” I was like, what do you mean…?

    She was interested in the creepy, the weird, the gory. She loved horror films as a child. She was a harsh critic quite early on. She turned to the internet to look for something that could really scare her once movies became too predictable. It wasn’t surprising that she would know about this. 

    Once we had this epiphany, she showed me what was out there. “Holy shit.” It was him. It was surreal to see that this figure who terrorized my childhood wasn’t just a figment in my imagination. If nothing else, it was at least a figment in numerous people’s imaginations. While unnerving, the feeling of camaraderie with random people on the internet that could technically be lying about having a shared experience assuaged the eeriness of it all. Learning this wasn’t just a childhood nightmare, but a phenomenon experienced by people around the world opened up a world of possibilities that I still haven’t fully explored. 

    There’s so much out there. It’s literally so overwhelming to think about how much I don’t know. While I don’t love the current state of our society, I can’t deny that I am a bit thankful to be in it and know so much more than the people who came before me. I’m excited for the people who will come after. There’s so much to find out. I want to know it all. It’s physically impossible to know it all, I can’t help but wish though. I want to know what is real, what is fake, what is exaggerated, and what is downplayed. I keep saying that I can feel there’s more out there. I wish I knew how to access this information I crave. Who knows, maybe I’m longing for something that doesn’t exist. The Hat Man is just one of those little things that makes me wonder what else is out there?

    Bonus content: I posted on X, formerly known as Twitter, about how Melania’s one outfit, the one that’s currently being mocked in Southpark, reminded me of these nightmares. Let’s just say people found it extremely disrespectful and felt I need help. It’s so sad that they were right about me needing help. Who’s gonna help though? No one, so deal with m, bitches.

    Honestly, this one gives me similar vibes too, but not Nearly as severe.

  • Jeans on, Genes Off

    Guys, you’re not going to believe it. I feel drained and like I don’t have the capacity to come up with anything relatively coherent. Again. Anyone else relate? Or are we all just scraping by? Should I have a kid? Will that fix my problems? I really don’t think it will and it’s not worth a try in the way quitting a job is, it’s not just your life. At least one more person is going to be involved, heavily. The child!!! 

    On the subject of children… I mean, don’t get me wrong, it would be bad, but you have to admit, lowkey interesting, if psychology went through another deeply unethical phase. Like, I would love to try to raise children in a really controlled environment where the world is presented more matter-of-factly. I want to see what, if any, fears are innate. Are there fears we all have? Are there fears we have based on our ancestors’ experiences? Do we know the full extent that psychologically induced fear, stress, or trauma drive transgenerational epigenetic inheritance? If multiple generations experience the same traumas, are epigenetic changes more likely to stick and be passed down further than just one or two generations? Does this mean the opposite can also be true? Can something profoundly good affect one and the same way? Is there really some sort of change to the DNA itself that we just don’t realize yet? 

    These questions all stemmed from a completely unrelated thought. I was thinking about what I should do with my life and if caring for a cemetery could be up my alley. I’m kinda turned off by the idea and feel like there’s weird energy or something. So, are any kids innately afraid of cemeteries? I just don’t know. 

  • A Roaring Aurora With No Pics. Sorry About That But A Real Photographer Would Do It Better Anyway (I Have No Pics Of My Own)

    It’s incredible how life can be so fickle and so final at the same time. I don’t have the wonderful for questions or answers today. I feel sad about things I have no control over. I need to just make the best of the situation. It feels hard. Well, it doesn’t just feel hard, it feels impossible. I know it’s not, it’s just hard. I don’t feel equipped to deal with this kind of hard. I don’t think I have a choice so I better get equipped or I’m gonna sink. The problem is, it’s hard to tell if I even care whether or not I sink or swim lately. I must care deep down, but I am having a hard time lately. I have a lot of little things going on and it is just annoying to deal with. Everything feels kinda annoying. I’m very annoying, that’s why I appreciate anyone who reads this madness.  

    Okay, I lied, I do have at least one question. Is all this geomagnetic energy messing with me? I don’t have much to ponder. Just that one question. If it is doing something, it’s not good! Will chat soon. Toodles. 

  • More Questions Than Answers. Zero Answers, to be Exact, Precise, Accurate, etc.

    Crazy the difference a day makes, aye chaps? Yesterday I had so much in my mind. Today, well, not so much. I’m not sure if it means I should push myself to reflect inward more deeply, or if I should just write a little bit today and keep it surface level. I say that, but then I look down at some of the notes I’ve left myself and see, “Can’t believe I didn’t mention dimensions like at all in the last post.” Should I talk about that more? I guess just a little and maybe we’ll leave it there for today. Or maybe not, who knows, the night is still fairly young, one could say barely legal. You probably wouldn’t, because that’s weird, but I said it anyway. This girl’s gone wild! 

    Okay so dimensions. I feel like I should’ve said ‘dimensions’ rather than using the word ‘realities’ so much. I really don’t know how or why one would distinguish between reality versus dimension. Maybe I should ask Google and AI will give me an answer. I think that’s a good use for AI. I think it’s a great tool, like, if I were writing an essay, I’d probably consider asking one of these guys like Grok or Claude to help with an outline. I haven’t used it for this purpose much, but it seems wonderful for helping develop frameworks. I think they currently leave A LOT to be desired when it comes to accuracy. You can’t even trust what it’s citing exists, which is literally huge? Maybe one day, well, I’m sure one day it will be better. That day isn’t today. I wonder how that reality will be. Do you think there are different dimensions? What makes it different? Where are they? Are they overlapped with us? Is there a way to hop between them? Is it voluntary? Can you practice hopping? Can we shift or merge dimensions? Is this a thing and they’re just not telling us? Is it similar to time travel? Is it more or less scientifically probable? Lots of questions, not a lot of energy for reflection to search for answers currently. We shall see.