Chey’s Lounge

For years, I’ve considered writing about what I’m feeling, the stuff I’m interested in, etc. Now is as good of a time as ever to start I guess (I don’t think there’s ever a good time, so I finally started). 

I somewhat recently began jotting down ideas for jokes for the first time ever. Years ago, I read Larry David has a little notebook to write down whatever pops into his head. I definitely am using my phone and not physically writing it, but I’m finally taking that little nugget of information and chomping down on it. I must admit, I’d love to visit the graveyard where my seemingly funny ideas (to me) are laid to rest. The notes app and my iCloud will be that for me now. Come to think of it, if I really cared, I would back that stuff up. Can’t trust any company! 

So yeah, I started a list, “Things”, of funny memories and ideas to maybe become jokes one day. I consequentially ended up starting a second list of topics that came to mind where I kind of want to explore further Much further than a little joke. A small, quick haha. I aptly titled that one “Ideas.”So here I am. Day 2 of actually writing stuff down. Exploring. Not actually using the ideas found in “Ideas.”

So, where are we going? Well, despite the technical difficulties trying to get this readable to others, my general stupidities, and likely founded insecurities, here I am, writing a little bit. I feel like I have so much to say, it makes me want to just say nothing. I wish writing was like piano sheet music. I have a lot to say and sometimes I want to talk about more than one thing at the same time. I guess that’s why I was drawn to Chicago style citations, footnotes are actually gods gift to me in particular. Speaking of citations, I have been thinking about school the past few days, especially a class I took during my masters, U.S. Constitution and ethical issues. I really wonder what it would be like to be enrolled in that course today. It’s not like we did that deep of a dive into it all, but even in the shallow end of constitutionality wave pool, there’s a lot under the surface. There is literally so much I don’t know. I guess I can’t swear over it, but I am completely sure that I have merely a rudimentary understanding of our laws. There’s just so much. I’m not an expert in the Constitution either, but at least it’s accessible. The Constitution is (at this point arguably theoretically) what each law in our country should be held up against and be in compliance with. Laws should be written with the spirit of the Constitution in mind, not just written in a way where they can use certain words and phrasing to leave them open ended enough to be used for or against one, depending on the situation. I feel we’re getting further from a country built upon these values each day. I’m pretty strong believer in following the law, but far stronger in the spirit of the law. I’ve been more and more discouraged, feeling others, especially those in power, feel the Constitution is a list of suggestions. Today, however, I did feel some were also concerned about this. I’m not entirely sure if that is actually a good sign at this point. I just want things to be good. What is good? Idk.. maybe we’ll talk about it. That seems like a good place to end it. A little hill hanger (cliff is far too dramatic). 

So where we’re going? Well, “girl we going to Islam!” – https://youtu.be/p5I-NwpngGA?si=OmIHMxj0MLvUHOE6

“You’re a really good writer.” I heard this a few times through college, but I didn’t really believe it. Partially because it is definitely a stretch to include the word “really” and partially because I did well, but not great, in high school English classes. 

My prose isn’t sophisticated and my style won’t inspire a new generation of classists, but I am someone. 

I’m not a great person, but I don’t know if that should stop you from doing anything for your whole life. Maybe if I can write some stuff out I can understand where I was coming from better. Do I deserve forgiveness? Have I done things that have truly harmed people? I have and I have with malicious intent in the moment too! But what can I do besides try to be better? I’m not exactly sure how, so maybe I can be vulnerable and everyone can tell me how bad I am, whether unfounded or not. I’m kidding, that’s very presumptuous of me to think anyone will read this. There’s a 50/50 chance this never even sees the light of day for no one to read. This isn’t my first rodeo, but if I do end up posting it, that means I’m committed and will be accountable to myself to actually write out how I feel, maybe explore some interests, talk about paraplegic dachshunds, etc. 

I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and opportunity to change, but I am apprehensive. I guess I feel that same apprehension with myself and it makes me afraid to start anything that would lead to my perception being out of my control. But I just feel like I want to know if other people feel the same. Maybe I’m looking for permission. I really should only be looking for it from myself, but it’s hard and I don’t trust my judgment of whether or not I deserve forgiveness. I guess it depends on my intentions. I usually understand my own. Usually is definitely a key word there. I don’t know. I’m just trying my best. I do have different levels of “best” during different times and circumstances. Not sure if I should forgive myself for the times I have faltered. I just feel a little tired of feeling like a bad person when people who are definitely worse are able to just chill, vibe, live, laugh, love. Idk, maybe they’re suffering silently. Probably not. Maybe I’m trying to take a page out of their playbook and not care? I be caring though… not sure where it will get me, but I guess we will see. I’m just nervous and wish I wasn’t. No one can change the past. I have a lot of feelings about a lot of things and I think it may be better to get them out than let them stew like I have been for a few, maybe 20, years.