I think I might be a lowkey person. I don’t like big crowds or big groups. I feel like I say things like I guess, I feel, I think. I get overstimulated. I over stimulate people, what a mess! I don’t actually like to over stimulate people. Sad when I do that.
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I truly have no business being apart of some of the stuff I have to be involved with right now. All I can do is try my best to get through it I suppose! I just need to roll with what’s happening to the best of my ability and only when there’s real injustice should I really stick my neck out there. Simply not worth it otherwise. Today hasn’t been too bad so far. Well, it had a bit of a rocky start, but right now it’s 7:15 PM and things have been alright since this morning. Just gotta appreciate these quiet moments while I can. I’m writing a little bit right now while I take a little break, but I probably won’t write a full post in this sitting. By the end of this post, I may be having a significantly better or worse day.
I was so busy yesterday, I didn’t actually publish my post until like 12:03AM this morning. Not gonna beat myself up over that. I forgot to actually post it because I had little brain capacity and so many things kept getting thrown at me. Well, break is cut a little short for now, duty calls. Maybe that means I’ll take an extra break to make up for this shorty. I deserve an extra 10 minutes to myself today.
Well, lunch is almost over and I still haven’t written that much. I do have good news to report, the day hasn’t gotten significantly worse. I’ve been trying to remind myself to look on the bright side more. I think I’m getting better even though I’m still kind of a Negative Nelly. Change isn’t overnight!
So, do I have anything else I’d like to say right now? I think it’s a little fun extraterrestrial disclosure is gonna happen on my birthday I think? If Amazon’s previews hold any truth, then it will be quite a day! My dad’s birthday is 9/11. It’s only noteworthy because apparently he’d tell people one day his birthday was gonna be famous. Not sure if he knew. Imagine he’s a psychic? I’d literally never know. I guess I should really suck up my anxiety and talk to him a little more, but he makes me nervous… I don’t love asking him questions lol. He’s like me, well, I’m like him. Were kind of loose cannons and especially at home, you truly never know how we are going to react. Not a trait I’m proud of, but nevertheless, we must remain self-aware and try to be honest with ourselves. I think it’s either easier to be honest or harder to lie to yourself when you’re writing stuff down. Not sure if you all know what I mean by that or not. Perhaps it’s time to close this post out, I’m beginning to speak in riddles.
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I feel bad for people who are misunderstood by others. Sometimes I’m fooled and feel bad for people who fit the label others gave them previously. I don’t ever regret giving people the benefit of the doubt at first, especially in a controlled environment.
Since I’m having another bad day, I’m not totally confident with releasing what I wrote after the end of the previous paragraph. Once I got to this point when reading over what I had already written I was like, eh maybe let’s be sure I’m in the right frame of mind and this is as innocuous as I feel it is now. We’re getting close to midnight and I need to get something out there (for no one else other than me). So, what else should I say? I need to be more confident removing myself from situations that might get me fucked up. In the end, losing my cool/breaking down is more embarrassing than excusing myself. Anyone else’s life a little chaotic right now, or is it just me? Hopefully you’re all doing good. So sorry if you’re not. I guess life is entirely about perspective. Need to work harder on changing mine to be a little more positive. It’s hard to remind myself it could be so much worse without thinking it could be the other way too! Whoever came up with the glass half full analogy… genius.
I wish I could help everyone and make things easier for people. It’s just not possible though. I wish I could make everyone happy, or at least prevent people from getting mad at me. I guess I am so passive/afraid of people getting mad and avoid it like the plague. I really don’t like being yelled at or when people are upset with me. I know no one knows me, but if you do know me, I wouldn’t blame you if you thought otherwise. People think I don’t care about anything. I probably give off that vibe as a defense mechanism so no one can use how much I care against me. And like… sometimes I act insane and treat people poorly, so you’d be like, oh, do you really care? Well, in the moment, idk. Idk how to deal with moments of losing my cool. I guess it’s called growing up and being an adult, but I feel a little more fucked up than the average Joe. It’s getting close to midnight and I am just simply tired, so I will stop here.
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My brain is once again lacking the capacity to write something substantial and cohesive, so I’m trying to think of what could be fun to just chat about for a little while. I was thinking about how I feel like I don’t have enough time to do anything besides go to work. It feels impossible to get anything done that is necessary to maintain a standard of living that meets my needs. I don’t feel like I can paint or organize even though I moved to a new place in January (it’s October 15th). It’s hard to feel like I can read or get into a good TV show because I should be doing other things that matter more. I don’t keep up with the bathroom or kitchen as much as I’d like, but compared to other people, my stuff is pretty clean. Well, kitchen is a little unorganized, but not really gross. I don’t even feel like I have time to cook for myself, so it doesn’t even matter that much! I work the night shift. Maybe that’s my issue. Maybe I have other issues and that doesn’t help them. I’m definitely a procrastinator, maybe that’s source of the dread feeling like I have no time for anything.
Id love to say that I’d love to know the root of my problems, but I don’t think I do. I seem to actively avoid criticism. Not even just that, really any type of feedback. Makes me nervous. I haveee to get over that one day, but it’s so hard. I’m not in the mood to try. I’d like to avoid the uncomfortable feelings it brings to the surface at all costs, even progress, peace, and prosperity I guess! So, I avoid things, people, situations. Idk where it gets me, but it is what it is for now. I guess it’s good that I’m acknowledging it? Is that the first step to fixing a problem?
Surprisingly, I don’t want to think about this stuff anymore. Let’s get back to my original thought that sparked this post – I sorta miss feeling like I have the time and mental capacity to get into a good TV show. I guess our lives are a little different these days and content has been keeping pace with the changes in things like attention spans and viewing habits. Theresa were times in my life where a TV show meant a lot to me. I’m not in the mood to italicize I’m sorry, but three of my favorite shows of all time are LOST, The Leftovers, and The OA. I am literally Devastated The OA was cancelled, even 6 years later. I love a show with character development. I like seeing characters grow and just like all sides of them. I can’t help but relate to most characters, good or bad. I see the good in bad people, but I also see the bad in good people. I think I’ve discussed this a bit previously. Idk if that’s a good or bad quality. Maybe I’ll pause here for now.
What’s your favorite show?
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Well, first things first, after the Monday night NFL games were said and done, I have now securely claimed second place in the family football pool. A few years ago, my brother said that you’ll probably win overall if you can average about 8 wins/week over the course of the season. That’s basically the goal/benchmark I‘very been aiming for. Obviously there’s a lot of luck involved, but there’s definitely some statistical advantages hidden out there when it comes to sports betting. I wouldn’t know specifics considering I’m nowhere near a statistician. Statistics and number crunching in sports are kinda crazy. I think there’s a ton of value to them, but I don’t think they’re the only thing that matters. I feel like the professional sports teams themselves are occasionally victims of analytics.
People let the numbers cloud the vision. I feel like people don’t place enough emphasis on the value of the vibe. Intangibles often get overlooked in the age of analytics. If projected benefits don’t show up on a spreadsheet, it’s hard for people who don’t get to experience the vibe firsthand to justify investing in an asset. When the stakes are so high, people want numbers to back up their decisions. I do think there are ways to sufficiently quantify intangibles so they can be used/viewed/compared with each other in a more moderns sense of the word. I personally feel you can just look at someone and determine whether or not they have that “it” factor. Maybe that’s getting a little too close to the eugenics sun if you think about it too hard. I will move on from this now.
People say the media market can affect a player’s mentality. I don’t really like when people talk about it because I feel like it isn’t thattt big of a deal, but just because I don’t feel that way doesn’t mean it isn’t. I don’t know zilch about anything, don’t trust me. Media, like every other variable, does have some type of effect, at least for some athletes. The big question is if the extent of the effect is calculable.
There are ways to account for differences in the weight the variable should hold when evaluating in comparison to others. Just because there is a low doesn’t mean it won’t lead to statistically significant changes. When it comes to professional sports, every minute detail counts. Teams invest millions of dollars in different types of research and who knows what to gain literally any kind of edge. When you are dealing with the best of the best, everything counts. I feel like I think that way in my real life, so I try my best and think about every possible angle I imagine and compare it against what I can be missing. It’s so dumb of me because the standards I’m surrounded with in my real life are, well, low. I mean, what do you expect? You’re reading a post about how I dedicate time and energy to professional sports. I feel like I’m a big dumb clown if I dedicate too much of my time and energy into doing my best when what I am doing isn’t worth my best. Unfortunately, I’m currently wearing big shoes and I have a big, squeaky, red nose. Cue the clown music! Okay, let’s not go there, let’s just focus on me being a clown for investing any, never mind so much, time into a professional sports franchise. Maybe I will write one more sports post in the near future because I still haven’t covered how a phase I’ve been in recently is looking into old franchises/the history of franchises that have moved. Because I am a clown. Honk honk!
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I wrote so much for my masters on my phone it’s wild. Something about it makes writing less intimidating even though it’s probably objectively more difficult to write something cohesive on here than a laptop or a computer. Maybe I just like a challenge (not optimizing anything in my life). Maybe I’m just silly. Maybe I’m just a little mentally ill and irrational and force myself to live within the confines of my arbitrary beliefs.
I was going to write more about my sports confession/clean up what I had written yesterday that didn’t make the cut. The thing is, I’m just out here sitting on a train in the rain and it doesn’t feel right to not write about it and how it makes me feel, or at least what it’s making me think about.
I was looking in peoples yards and thinking about their lives and it made me remember something that happened in my own life and how maybe it would be funny to post about. If I were trying to be a good writer I would probably try to grab the readers’ attention with this story, but to actually grab the attention, I’d need to spoil the ending. Idk, I’m just not ready to do that yet. I like building stupid anticipation…
So, here we are in the middle of the post, introducing the idea of, not even starting, the story. I want to preface this with the fact that there’s not actually a great reason being on the train reminded me of it. The connection is pretty loose, but it’s obviously there in my head! Admittedly, when it comes to connections, that’s not saying much. I really be pushing the limits of logic with some of the parallels I draw.
Not to keep you waiting for this story coming up, but I guess I will be. I think a few posts from now I will post about how I enjoy reading similar to how I like watching sports. The reading post won’t be a confession though because I’m not obsessed with it and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Reading is good and I don’t do it nearly enough. I go through phases where I do read a lot, those are nice. Reading isn’t inherently more productive than other leisure activities, but it definitely makes the brain exercise a little bit. It at least beats a lot of the slop out there posing as entertainment these days.
I tend to stick with books of a similar genre/theme when I get the reading bug. A few years ago, I got into mystery novels with female narrators. I had read Gone Girl and The Girl on the Train in close succession and I was looking for another book to start. My cousin had given me a suggestion. Based on that suggestion, I got myself a new book to start The Girl in the Window by Renée Pawlish. It was right on theme with what I had previously read and I really enjoyed it. Another murder mystery added to my repertoire.
Once I finished, I texted my cousin to let him know. I wanted to say something more substantial than I liked it, so I said something along the lines of, “I can’t believe it was XXXXXXX.” He was so confused. To make a long story short, he had actually suggested I read The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn. I was so embarrassed but it was so funny lmao. I ended up getting that book and you know what? To this day, I haven’t been able to finish it. And The Girl in the Window was the last murder-mystery book I’ve read (completely).
So, the train connection, because if you read that book, you’d know there’s no central train theme. The thing is, those books I read all kind of blended together in my mind. Any main theme from one of them comes up and it makes me think of them all. Being that I was on a train, looking out the window at the rain, it definitely brought me back to that time. I decided you all need to be brought there too. That’s the loose connection to looking out the train window today, which inspired this post. I told you it was loose, don’t be mad…
One last note on trains I want to cover. Anyone else like looking in peoples yards and making up a little life for them for a brief moment as you quickly roll by? I’ve visited a place with a pool in Florida that is on the Brightline track a few times in the past. I didn’t let this location stop me from lounging with the tittys out. That’s for sure!
Nothing like people watching, eh?
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I almost wish I wasn’t, but I am a sucker for professional sports. It’s more capitalistic than anything, but I just can’t help but get into it all. Since the Winter Olympics are coming up more quickly than I’d like to grasp, I’m sure I’ll use some time then to talk about how much I like that. For now, I’ll focus on North American professional sports leagues and franchises. I love watching football, basketball, and baseball; in that order. I like watching hockey, too. The amount of football related content I consume on YouTube is so sick and such a waste of time. I should really be listening to more educational videos or podcasts, but I’m just into these football channels. I’ve always gone through phases of types of videos I tend to watch on YouTube.
Around the start of Covid, I started watching these creators talking about football, especially the Giants. Unlike most of the other phases of videos I’ve previously gone through, I’m still watching this stuff a lot. I will admit that I have slowed down a bit somewhat recently, but I still watch/listen nearly daily. If the Giants keep it up, I’ll probably be sucked back in entirely.
I’m not ready to talk about it, maybe I never will be… but I had to watch the giants vs eagles game this past Thursday night on my phone. That was so tragic… I mean it’s literally not that big of a deal, but I cherish the 17 games per year (since for some teams, including the one I dedicate my time and energy to, the playoffs are fleeting). I don’t understand football at a high level, but I still enjoy watching it. I’ve learned a lot over the past 5 years or so though. Despite knowing it’s ultimately a waste of time, I do almost prioritize being able to watch it. Not even just my favorite team. I think it’s an exciting sport and I enjoy watching it at all levels. I sure wish I felt that way when I was a child sitting in the bleachers at my brother’s games, but better late than never. – Shrek
I don’t really mess around with fantasy, but I am in a pick ‘em pool. A lot of the people in it are people I know, which is the source of most of the fun for me. I’m currently tied for second place in the pool. Last year, I was in a few random pools because no one I knew was able to get it going in time by the time people realized what was happening the past few years wasn’t going to be happening that year.
I was so happy to have my family one again. I didn’t really care about the pools I was in last year, which is funny considering how desperate I was to find an alternative once I found out the OG pool was kaputz. I scoured the Internet far and wide for a pool to join. I ended up joining 2. In my moment of desperation, I haphazardly joined the first one that seemed suitable enough. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have, but I knelt looking for pools and found a different one. One would argue I should’ve just joined this other I found, if one had a brain. And one would be correct. Oh well. i joined both and I wasn’t even that into it though. It turns out I like it so much better when I know at least some of the people. Maybe some lesson in that feeling, perhaps something to reflect on…… in the future. Maybe I’m competitive with certain people, but not severely over all. I need to be around a certain crowd to fully enjoy something or to reach my full potential, at least at this point in my life. I feel like most people feel this way, so I don’t feel too bad about it being true, just bad about not taking the sentiment seriously enough. Anyways, we’re getting offtrack. This one is definitely back to being a little longer. I think I’ll save the rest of what I’ve written for another day. Maybe this 3-day block of posts that are vaguely related, at least title-wise, will be focused on sports. Not to be some random lazy, inexperienced schmuck with an opinion no one cares about on a topic I’m not even close to an expert on, but I definitely have my fair share of sports takes. I think in general, sports are pretty low-stakes and it’s not a big deal if you share an uninformed, or fundamentally flawed opinion. It’s not going to lead to any geopolitical tensions or anything. Well, I guess you never know…
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What am I supposed to believe about literally anything? It’s so FRUSTRATING. I’m gonna try to ignore that right now though. It’s soooo hard to not get angry over things I can’t change. I wish there wasn’t so much stupidity in my vicinity lately. It’s driving me positively bonkers! I’m sure you can tell by my lack of depth the past two posts. I literally didn’t have the mental bandwidth available to think about anything. My brain and body were basically pleading with me, begging on hands and knees for me to turn my brain off. The only way out of a situation is through. Or to die. And I don’t really want to die before my mom, so I just gotta get through this stuff for now.
There are literally so many people going through hard times right now. Countless people’s lives are going haywire right now. I know there’s so much I don’t know, but one thing I do know is there’s a lot of pain out there in the world right now. Sometimes when I’m feeling pain (emotional), I kinda do wish the worst for people in the moment. Trying to stop doing that so much, but I am simply bursting with both love and hate. And sometimes they just be flying out of all of my orifices. Once I settle down, I usually am able to be more even keeled, but there’s a lot of times I simply go bananas. Those times do coincide with when I am going through a few tough things at a time. I’m really not one of gods strongest soldiers, I can handle a tough-ish battle, but I can’t keep going and going. I don’t have a lot of stamina. I can deal with one crisis pretty well, but once more stuff starts getting thrown at me, things can start to get a little out of control. I can ultimately handle it, but oftentimes it is extremely poorly. I’m not sure what the definition of “handling it” really is. I get through it, just like most people get through things. Most people don’t die everyday, so they be getting through it.
To be honest, I got a little off track here. I was going to tie in not knowing things with what’s going on in the crypto world right now. I know that I don’t know enough about leverage to use it as a trading strategy. I probably wouldn’t use it even if I did. I’m generally pretty risk averse. Unless, of course, I’m not thinking straight. Then I’m quite risk tolerant. Crypto is just something I don’t know enough about to invest in. I definitely would never invest in shit coins, I don’t want to gamble in that way. Most things in love kind of come down to being a gamble though… do you agree?
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And that shorty ain’t me. It’s this post. I still feel tired. Slightly less nauseous, but now that I’m thinking about it, it’s coming back LOL. I need a beta blocker or something idk… One of the topics I want to eventually discuss is difference between theory and application. Either can be more or less complex than the other.
I’ve written a lot about public sector management. I won’t bore you with the details of my humanistic theory of management contingent on individual employees. I like reading about different theories. It’s nice to see the framework in which some people think. Once it is time to apply… all bets are off. Theory versus application. Woof. Theory with no application behind it is riddled with glamorization and idealization. What does it say about people who offer up too much grace? Is there such a thing? I think so, because by offering an unfair amount of leeway to one person, you are robbing others. You need to keep the whole in mind. It’s really hard to balance everything. I guess I should offer our government some grace in trying to deal with an insane balancing act. Maybe not though. Maybe…
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Sometimes things just aren’t good. If they’re not good and you can’t handle it, that’s okay. Hopefully it’ll change. I feel a little sick right now. Not from germs though. I think I cried too much today and now I’m nauseous. I hate feeling nauseous.
