Here we are again, time to write a little post. I think today’s will be short because I’m trying to map out ideas for the future. As I’ve said before, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and attempting to map in my head. While this has yielded some success in my life, I probably could’ve performed better and/or gone further if I dedicate myself to committing to putting in more… physical effort. I’ve successfully completed tasks based primarily off of ideas that didn’t leave my head until they were basically entirely planned out. I think this type of thinking is really important for my overall thought process, but I don’t think I’d be hindering myself by writing more things down. I’m able to visualize a workflow/the order steps should be followed pretty well, but i may be limiting myself by relying on that. I’m not sure what I could be missing if I were to look at the flow physically written out. Maybe I can commit more brain power to figuring more out rather than keeping the thoughts straight. Considering the amount of thoughts I have, I’m probably missing out on something somewhere by doing this. Going to start physically mapping out my goals more. I don’t feel like I’m extraordinary, but I feel like I’m on the cusp. If I were to self-rate my competency level, I feel like I can out perform 85-90% of the general population if I put my mind to something. I just have to find something to put my mind to. I feel like if my life continues down the same trajectory then I will be stuck in mediocrity. I don’t have any kids, I really should be dedicating myself to making the world better. I can fail a few times at something and still end up okay. I wonder if knowing when to give up on something is as important as knowing when to push through. What do you think? Is it beneficial to not know when it’s time to give up? I think perhaps sometimes.
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Maybe I want to do too many things, and it’s paralyzing. It’s scary to start new things. Even when I put my mind to something, it just all feels silly and not worthwhile, and then I’m left just as or even more confused than before. I guess I’ll keep doing this despite, or perhaps in spite, of that feeling.All of the uncertainty that surrounds me is upsetting my belly. More than likely, I’ll keep ignoring/dealing with it. I’m not sure what else there is to do but treat the symptoms at this point. I’ve always been a little averse to treating symptoms, and then something happened in my life that exacerbated that sentiment, but in a different way. We’ll go over that one day, perhaps. I’ve sorta felt like maybe one needs to suffer a little. Maybe you shouldn’t take something for every headache. Idk if that’s really doing me any good, but it is what it is. I was talking to a friend about the belly blues I’ve been experiencing, and she asked if I’ve tried anything natural. I’m considering looking into it to see if I can find anything. I’d probably feel more comfortable treating symptoms with something natural versus a pharmaceutical. Don’t ask me to provide any evidence to support why I’d feel that way; I don’t have it.
Sometimes there’s really no logic behind why I think/feel a certain way. It’s frustrating because even when I come to this realization, I can’t shake feeling the way I do. It makes me feel so illogical and like all those things they say about women are true. Then I remember just how many people definitely have no logic behind their thoughts and never even come to the realization that’s the case. Well, never say never. It’s crazy how you just don’t know what you don’t know. I do wonder how many people feel like they know it all or have it all figured out. Maybe the key to having it figured out is just believing you do because nothing is real?
On the topic of nothing being real… I like telling stories. I don’t know if I’m good at it, but I love a good story. Basically, all stories have a little fiction to them because our memories are imperfect. I learned that in a class called Historians’ Craft. I really thought recording devices would change the game forever and the truth will forever be known, but AI has put a wrench in that, for now at least. I definitely like to tell stories about things that have happened, but I do enjoy writing fiction too. I can’t help but put a lot of my real life into whatever little works of fiction I half-heartedly write up and inevitably abandon. Maybe writing so many thoughts regarding my real life will open up some space in my mind to come up with some stories.
I wish I were a better writer. At least instead of just wishing, I’m actually doing something about it right now and am practicing daily. I’m not sure how much I’m getting out of the way I’m doing it, but whatever, it is what it is for now. It doesn’t need to be great, I just want it to be something. To practice and just for consistency’s sake. I want to do things that may be hard. I’m not really great at that, so I just need to start somewhere, even if it is a little silly and not really hard. I’ve always allowed what people say to dictate what I do a lot. I wish I wasn’t in the part of the population that just listens and does whatever I’m told, but I kinda am. I don’t think listening to others has done me much good. I don’t think listening to myself has either LOL. I think sometimes I take people’s suggestions as commands. And when I say I think, I mean I know. The worst is when I resent them for it. Like, girl, you have agency, just do what you want. I don’t know what I want though!! I’m just sensitive and unsure, and it’s reflected in my belly issues.
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It’s Monday and I already just feel like it’s a sad and useless week. I need to turn that attitude around, but it feels hard. I need to eat better and exercise more I guess, that helps a little bit. It’s just hard to feel I belong anywhere. Apparently everyone belongs somewhere, but idk. It feels like that’s not the case, but maybe I’m just having a bad day. I feel like I want to just be in a ball. I feel bad for it. Everyone is like you gotta talk to people xoxo but who really wants to listen to someone’s problems? Especially if it’s all of the same ones over and over with little actually being done to address them. It’s kinda hard to address some of our problems though, isn’t it? Like sometimes our issues are super connected to other things and/or contingent. I think health insurance is my biggest roadblock to taking a leap and trying something new. I just am nervous about it and don’t know how it works. I really don’t want to deal with anything regarding it, so I’m essentially stuck at my job. Maybe I need something to be the push to get me out of here. It’s not even that bad. However, it is not a place where I’ll ever be able to thrive or see any lasting value resulting from my work. Maybe I should try to study math. It’s so hard to choose! And as we know from multiple previous posts, it’s impossible to be a master of all trades and no one really cares about Jack. I guess I see why. It’s hard to focus deeply on so many things so like I get the niche thing. We ideally want to do fewer things better. But how do you find what you are best at and where you add the most value? Do I even care about what other people value? What am I supposed to do? I don’t really want to work a minimum wage job, but I certainly see a need for competent people to fill those positions. But like of course we can’t find competent people to on minimum wage, how can they focus on work when they’re trying to survive? Idk what to do. I feel like there’s a problem with too many people at the top having too much and it’s tricking down everywhere. Of course no one wants to dedicate themselves to a job for pennies when the employer doesn’t care about the employee at all. All they think about is their margins and maximizing their time. They see you as a less than normie who slaves away for them. And the. They complain about their employees lol. It’s so funny because they also try to maximize their returns while minimizing inputs, that’s their whole thing, isn’t it? Like I’m just so angry I can’t handle it.
I just feel so mad at everything and everyone and I don’t understand why everyone else cannot play by the rules because life isn’t fair but then they judge others who also don’t. Like damn man. Is AI even stealing jobs? Or is it an excuse to cut more employees since everything just sucks anyway and they’ve realized we all just tolerate it because we are stuck in this system and if anyone tries to break it they will probably be stopped, violently. lol jk hahaha… unless? I want to be someone who makes things better, but I don’t exactly know where to start. I guess my start is writing about it and organizing my thoughts more rather than just ruminating over it all. Need to start ruminating over things that actually provide value… So, how do we start that? Idk. I’ve been thinking about how to like make an adequate amount of money without feeling sad about it in some way. I don’t know if I could be a business owner, idk if I have that consistent killer instinct that you need. Well, that I think you need. You need if anyone else in your market has it, otherwise you’re toast. Might be talking about things idk about here… but maybe not. If you can’t beat them, join them? Idk. I just don’t want to fail at something stupid. If I’m gonna do something with a high rate of failure, I’d want it to at least be in the name of a valiant cause.
I don’t want to sell things for the sake of selling or making a sale, I would want to because the product or service provides value beyond the price. Or like at least some value at all. I don’t want to sell a fix to a made up problem and I would want the “selling”aspect to feel like I’m genuinely helping someone if they were to make the purchase, not just my wallet.
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I’ve been thinking about how the quality of a daily post probably isn’t going to be the highest, but I’m sticking with it for 6 months, at least. I won’t beat myself up if I do happen to miss a day here or there. I’m pleased with myself that I haven’t yet, but at the same time it isn’t entirely surprising because I committed to doing this in my mind. I don’t commit to a lot because when I do, I do. Something like this helps me show myself you can commit to something that you’re not great at just to do it. It’s okay to be mediocre. It’s okay to not be perfect. If I keep writing these little borderline directionless posts, I may find a direction. If not a direction, I’ll at least have multiple starting points for going on deeper dives in the future with the knowledge of knowing which topics are less exciting to me. I’m inclined to believe any topic can be explored to basically no end. That’s basically every PhD dissertation at this point lowkey, just the most random topics you’d never think of in your own and someone has dedicated years of their lives to researching it. Incredible, really. If you can imagine from my previous posts (for anyone new or who doesn’t recall, I’ve been looking for a niche of my own), I really have no clue what topic I feel I could fully commit myself to, to that extent.Theres just so much going on out there. I feel like I’m on the cusp of seeing some parts of the whole that are being obfuscated, but what does that actually bring me? What does vindication bring me? I need to find peace within myself. It’s very hard though. Many things feel hard to me. Something that’s hard to remember is that everything is assessed relative to something else. It’s not the way you start. It’s the way you finish, but you need to start to finish. Starting feels really hard though. Hard relative to what though? Doing nothing? Well then of course it seems a little hard.
It’s tough to see what you’re really capable of until you’re presented with no other choice than persevere. Persevering is tough, but it’s one of those things that make you want to look back and see how strong you were. So many times I find myself looking back and thinking about all of the things I’ve done wrong. I need to spend more time trying to change my thoughts to focus a little more on the positive if I’m going to be thinking about the past. I haven’t been through like intense trials and tribulations, but I mean, relative to what I had dealt with previously, I’ve certainly faced some challenges, maybe a little bit of adversity? Probably not. Maybe one day I’ll write a post about one of the things I went through in my teens that had a tremendous affect on the trajectory of my life for years, which basically means forever if you think about it in terms of the butterfly effect. To make an incredibly long story short, I made it through a really difficult time. Sometimes what it took to get through it was literally crossing off every 5-10 minutes. Theres really not much that has compared to that for me. The term “for me” is really holding a lot of weight there though. Relative to cancer treatment, what I went through was so minor. I’ve had a hard time reconciling with determining how much grace to give myself and others based on relative circumstances. I think I’d rather offer more grace than not, but honestly it’s a little hard for me, personally. Like, my mom finds it impossible to hold a grudge and is almost always so understanding, but my dad is basically the total opposite LOL. I can’t help but fall into wanting to be like him, but admiring her. However, I am really not that into getting walked all over. And I do let it happen sometimes, but I react really poorly, so it’s almost like I don’t allow it, but I do, idk LOL. I’m trying to give myself some grace. I’m trying not to judge myself for these mediocre posts too harshly because relative to doing nothing, it’s pretty good. And you can’t expect to be great from the beginning. You have to give yourself room to improve, grace to make mistakes, time to learn. It’s important to just start doing things. If you wait until you’re perfect to start, you’re probably not going to start anything new. No one’s going to be perfect ever, nevertheless when starting something new. My perfectionism prevents me from starting new things. As I’ve said, these daily posts are me trying to break out of that a little bit more. I can jump into something and be fully committed without requiring perfection. I can learn and make mistakes. It consistently takes me a long time to realize/remember this basically whenever I do something. Like, in band when in school. When I started out, I was pretty good at the clarinet. Once the music became a little more difficult in the middle of middle school, I wasn’t really very good. I don’t like failing, so I don’t like, lovee practicing. By the time I finally got good enough at the music I was playing and felt confident enough to just play, it was senior year. I guess the potential was there… maybe there’s a lesson there. Maybe not. Anyway, here’s to just doing more stuff I guess. We can fix it up later.
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Nothing like a beautiful sunset to get you wondering how much of the world we live in is a lie. Or perhaps just what I am wrong about, what my perception skews. You know one opinion I have where I feel my opinion is objectively correct? One of the first things AI should be replacing is disc jockeys (DJs). Society has evolved past the need for DJs. Maybe I just don’t like them as people, generally. I’m not gonna act like I’m entirely free of judgment. I judge, but I do try to reign in my initial judgments before formulating an opinion on someone or something. I’m pretty open to changing my opinion if presented with different/new facts. I absolutely do understand why some people are uncomfortable doing so because it does feel uncomfortable. One thing I want to briefly mention that’s been on my mind is the government. Not even the government, just government in general. I know that there’s webs of complexities I cannot conceive of, so I don’t want to be toooo judgmental regarding the decisions of policymakers. I just don’t like being lied to, so it kinda sucks. I hate knowing that I’m actively being lied to. Maybe not about everything, but some things. It would be foolish not to think so simply given track records. But beyond that, some of the lies are really bad. I don’t think it’s like conspiratorial to be skeptical.Like yeah the government lied about certain things in the past, but now they’re good! Just straight up lies in all directions and we just have to be okay with it. How exactly do we know they’re declassifying everything? If this is what they are, what aren’t they? The worst part of it all? I hate bad lies. I want a lie that can hold up to heavy scrutiny. Anything else is ultra disrespectful, like on top of the lying. And I feel like they’re not even trying anymore!!! Thinking about having to life within these arbitrary confines makes life feel less worthwhile. I guess I don’t need to live within them, but generally speaking, I’m kind of a rule follower. A bit of a poindexter. I’m not really a tattletale though, so I don’t get to feel any dopamine rush from that. Maybe one day I can feel comfortable living within the confines I decide. How do I even decide? How do I accept that this is reality? I feel most upset for others who are in really bad situations. I really am quite fine in reality, yet I’m still disheartened. I don’t even feel like I’m disillusioned, I’ve never had dreams of grandeur, I’ve always had low expectations for everything. I was sick a decent amount as a kid. I wasn’t a sickly child, but I definitely didn’t have the best immune system. And worst of all, I tended to get sick when there were school events. This literally started in preschool. I missed something on St. Patrick’s Day and many more events have been missed. Obviously that’s not a big deal, I’m just saying, I’ve known little disappointments for a long time. I’m someone who has always taken these little things to heart. I’ve internalized how these disappointments made me feel in a way that made me live and speak in ways that are open ended. I try to leave myself the least amount of opportunity to be disappointed, yet I’m still disappointed in what’s happening.
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Anyone else start forgetting what they want to say as they’re typing it sometimes and think to yourself maybe you should start doing voice memos? I don’t either bc I know I’d never go back to listen to those. I dislike the sound of my own voice even more than the sight of my own words. With that aside, have you ever been nervous?
I kinda hate watching things I have no control over happen sometimes. I hate seeing the process of how things got to a certain point. What I really hate about it is seeing no one else publicly recognize that they also feel a certain way about a chain of events leading up to something. The catalyst for this thought coming up today was hearing about agricultural subsidies on the news. I have mixed feelings about this because idk exactly how I feel about big corporate farms, but I have to acknowledge food is one of those things where you need to stop the bleeding before fixing what caused the issue. The thing is, it’s not like I’m an agricultural aficionado, yet I can pretty easily grasp what those who are ‘in the know’ say about it, so why can’t politicians? Or do they? We are what we tolerate. The way we react to one thing will affect how we are affected in the future. Everything is connected and this web of connections is so, so difficult to fully grasp. In so many ways, life is a reflection of the body (maybe vice versa actually). This “web” of life I’m referencing is akin to fascia. If you have had a certain type of injury, are just older, etc., you will know what I mean. Sometimes you press on your leg and then you feel something crack in your back. To get one part to crack, sometimes you need to loosen up other parts to sorta “unlock” certain tension or trigger points. It’s so fricken hard to recognize, acknowledge, and understand how things in life affect others. I think LLMs will be like a gua sha body tool, helping maximize efforts to unlock secrets. It’s so hard on our own. Well, it’s so hard on my own. Maybe I should cut politicians some slack. Different people have different abilities to recognize patterns and understand how things can come to be. Actually, maybe that’s a characteristic that’s really important for a politician to have and we should be critical of their ability to do so (or lack there of)
I keep letting outside noise cloud my mind and it’s making it hard to do things. I’m not that motivated right now. I really should just be locking in and doing something. I could, I just lack the courage to do so. I’m just not sure how health insurance works without a job, so I really don’t feel confident quitting mine to really pursue anything. I don’t know if it’s the cloudiness in my mind causing it to be worse, but I feel like these feelings of ambivalence could be making it worse. There’s so many times where I’ve felt like I was close to not noticing something important, but like I do notice it. It’s a weird feeling. It makes me wonder about the times I’ve just completely missed things. I think this happens to me most while driving. I feel like every time I’m thinking of merging and I check my blind spot to see if I can, if someone is there I just think to myself like, “omg I can’t believe I almost just got into an accident.” Earlier today, I was driving and looking to make a left hand turn onto a busier road from one with just a stop sign. I kinda started inching up to get a better look to my left before realizing someone was crossing the crosswalk. I was like damn, I almost killed a man. I’m so dramatic… gotta stop that… but that’s who I am..? Here we are again, the eternal internal debate of which parts of myself need to be addressed and which need to be accepted. I feel I have a skewed yet somewhat defensive view of myself. I feel like that’s sentence needs to be explained a little further, however, I don’t feel like doing so right now, so maybe that means we’ll end today’s post here. Maybe one day I’ll stop writing in riddles.
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If you can remember back to my last post, I’m on a journey to focus more on controlling what I can. I’m trying to expend less time and energy on things I don’t have control over. It’s not easy, not entirely sure if it’s possible, but I guess I should keep trying. I just Feel Things so… intensely. All these feelings leads me to getting my own panties in a bunch sometimes. And like, it’s kind of embarrassing and exhausting. All we can do is control how we react. It’s so much harder to control when feeling overwhelmed in general, but we must. Anyone else feel that way?
I’m trying to learn my body and how it reacts involuntarily. I’ve been trying to pick up on what happens when I start to get stressed. So I can try to do something to get myself away from the stressor or whatever. I think maybe my body just thinks something is wrong all the time. Maybe I need something to block something in my brain. I allow myself to ruminate far too much. I just don’t exactly know the amount of agency I have to do things or not do things, to think or not think a certain way. I don’t know what’s acceptable in so many scenarios. I feel like a stupid idiot sometimes and it’s like my body knows before my brain. But then I can feel it the other way too, like my brain before my body in a way? Idk. This post is gonna be not great, I can tell. At least I’m writing a little one though! That’s good of me, yk, given the Current Circumstances.
I feel tired. A man named Isaac Newton once said an object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. I do feel like rest is important for me, I’m just never gonna be one of those high energy people that keeps going and going. I know life is for living, but I need time to recover so I can live to the fullest. I’m definitely prone to allowing myself a little too much rest and at that point, it’s not good either. So hard to find the right balance. I guess it is for everyone. I mean, look at the state of the world. I feel like I’m in the middle of a see-saw when what I’m looking for is just a little bench. I don’t even mind if the bench isn’t perfect. An imperfect bench that is stable is better than never getting the good bench to stabilize. What use is it? I feel like that’s politics now, far less compromise is happening and that’s sad. And exhausting. I just want a little stability, but I do feel it’s not like a priceless thing. Stability isn’t the most important thing though. Like you can’t just accept anything in the name of stability. Doing so is female-coded behavior. LOL jk but maybe there’s a little truth in every joke?
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I need to work on my agency, actually trying to influence the outcomes of the things I can control. One thing I want to do that’s on theme with this sentiment is to put forth a more concerted effort to actively do things that make me happy. If someone were to ask me what makes me happy, I’d probably struggle to respond on the spot. So, I’ve decided to just write down some stuff that makes me happy. Some are hobbies, some are activities, and some are just little things. Maybe seeing a list will remind me there’s many things to be happy about. So much joy to find within the tragic chaos even? Well idk if we’ll go that far, but it’s all a matter of perspective.There’s definitely a handful of simple things that make me feel a little a happy. I like stepping on crunchy leaves and pine cones, the sounds and feeling under my foot. I like seeing other people walking. One of the best feelings is being in the “wild” with other animals and they don’t see you as a threat. Just existing among my fellow animals. I enjoy seeing different country’s flags around or different states license plates on the road. I like the way the world smells some days. I simply enjoy lying down and feeling or listening. I like the way thick, manicured grass feels underneath me. I like feeling bubbles against my hands on the surface of a hot tub. I love a clean bathroom. I like things that make me feel satisfied and comfortable.
There’s a few things I like to do for sure. Cooking, as you know, is a big one. Eating isn’t far behind. I enjoy going on walks, especially near water. Little cities, towns, and neighborhoods are nice to explore. I like Sudoku, reading a good book, the occasional video game, and listening to YouTube videos. I haven’t been watching much, but I love getting into a TV show. I like to watch sports, football, baseball, basketball, hockey, and really anything. I even like listening to people talk about sports. I like when the Olympics come around. I like to color, carve wood, and tinker with electronics. I used to sew things when I was a kid, but I never got too into embroidery. Another thing I liked to do as a kid was make YouTube videos. All for the love of the game, no monetization back then. And you know what? I did kinda love it. I like just doing silly things. I enjoy building and fixing things, but don’t have the opportunity too that much. I’d be lying to myself and you all if I didn’t say that I love scrolling on my phone LOL…. For better or worse.
I’m trying to do things that make me feel more productive or at least happier. I don’t think scrolling on my phone is the most productive use of my time, but I do really love it and I love being in the know. I have informational FOMO more than experiential FOMO. I just want to know it all… for better or worse LMAOOO. Maybe if I come up with more stuff I will edit this post. Perhaps I can just leave a comment. I could just keep it to myself, but maybe it’s good to keep stuff all together in one place. Makes it easier to visualize that there is some good out there! I think I may need to find an activity that is more physical to take up as a hobby. When I finished occupational therapy for a messed up wrist a few years ago, I asked if I could box, they were like yeah. Maybe soon we will pursue that and just get that absolute shit beaten out of us. Totally wrecked. Maybe I need it. Maybe I am stronger than average though…Do you think I should? What do you like to do? Do you have any hobbies?
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I think I may have alluded to this in one of my first posts, but I did try to write one blog post a few years ago and it never made it to the internet. I was just looking through my notes to consolidate the random ideas I have managed to write down over the years into the somewhat newly created ideas list. When I came across it, I definitely felt a little embarrassed almost. I guess I’ll feel that way about these posts one day too. Oh well. To combat the embarrassment and to honor my former self, I think today’s post is going to be that blog post that never-was-but-now-will-be. I said in it that one would happen, so let’s make it happen despite it not being the first one.
Shut up, I know, I know. Here I am, it’s 1:24 am on a Saturday and I was thinking about how my cousins miss when I was writing a blog and I was thinking about a few things. Then I was like… why don’t I give the people what I want while I’m inspired? In reality, I really should write stuff for at least the next month, technically semester, probably until I die (for the emotional benefits). I also had a teacher and a professor whose words of wisdom I am thinking about. One of them got like fired or something for some sort of sketchy shit, don’t know any hint of a trumor, hardly heard rumors. Anyway, I trust sketchy people, it’s fun. That one (spoiler alert, the teacher), said that it’s good to just like write down whatever you’re thinking so it gets out of your head and you don’t keep thinking about it and going back to it. In reality, it probably sucks if you don’t know how to phrase it, so get it out of there!!! I wouldn’t know if what I write sucks, because I don’t read it over xx. Why? It’s embarrassing. Will I ever get over it? Yeah, probably, but it leaves me a lot of room for personal growth in the meantime. So like maybe if I write my thoughts about silly things then it will help me write less silly things over the next few months. Now heading over to the professor’s advice: practice writing! I think it’s great advice. Like all great and valuable advice, I don’t follow it, but it’s really good. He particularly was like “you should be writing 1,000 words a day.” Like honey, you’re so damn right. What am I practicing for though? Exactly. Nothing. Well technically not, but like, I made it this far…. What’s one more go at it without the practice? Well, i guess it’s also because the person I pay to talk to whenever she gets around to it is having a baby and is taking some time off. I truly hope she wasn’t serious when she said she’s trying to take a month off from everything. Like girl… you’re stronger than me. Yo… you currently wondering what’s happening when someone starts laughing in their dreams? Yeah I wasn’t either until like 14 seconds ago when I was startled and spooked. Speaking of dreams, fuck Netflix, not for the password sharing rules but for cancelling The OA. All the other cancelled shows I can get over, but cancelling a masterpiece like that… go to hell. I mean that soooo seriously, like use all your rich person money, create a super realistic set of Hell, and live there forever. Or buy me bi-weekly massages for like 9 months until my body finally releases all the tension you caused me. Now I’m itchy! Probably because I was exuding all of that negative energy just now. Maybe I just haven’t moisturized my legs enough and it’s been cold and dry the past few days. We’ll literally never know. I’m finally getting tired, it’s 1:50 am. I have little left that I feel like discussing with myself and future historians reading this (whether it be of the high school variety later on this week or one looking for a glimpse of what life was really like in the Old Empire 3,000 years from now, who refer to me as Chey the Elder and revere my take on all the happenings in the world, defining them for how they truly are. Like Tyra messed up with ANTM All Stars. Just unbiased facts here…. Okay well the first one is definitely really likely to happen. I cannot comment on the likelihood of the second. Why can’t I? Shh.
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The short rib ragu is the primary reason this dish is a labor of love. I honestly haven’t figured out a great way to get rid of all the fat. This most recent iteration involved me making the sauce the night before. I did so in hopes of allowing the fat to solidify on top, making it super easy to just take out. The thing is, it didn’t work as expected at all. There could be a few reasons for it, but to make a medium length story short, I think I should’ve added more water to allow the fat the opportunity to actually rise atop it. Also, I didn’t finish cooking until like midnight and it needed so much time to cool down before I could actually get it into the fridge, so it probably could’ve used some more time to settle, too. Needless to say, it was a failed attempt, but I will be attempting it again one day. I’m not giving up on the technique yet because it has to be the most efficient way to deal with it when it comes to saving time and reducing the amount of unnecessary waste caused by a technique like skimming it off the top. You can’t just leave it in there and it will inevitably happen with this cut, every blessing has its curse. Let’s get on with this and tell you some more, from the start.
Even though I was somewhat proactive and cooked the ragu the night before Lasagna Assembly, I started so late and recommend not doing that. The short ribs need time for the like fat and connective tissue to really break down and the meat to fall apart. The dish literally doesn’t work if the meat isn’t basically shredded on its own accord. You need to cook it until it happens and if it doesn’t happen idek what you could’ve done.
Without further adieu, here’s what I do for the ragu. I started with a few English cut short ribs. Seasoned with salt and pepper. Despite the high amount of fat, they do benefit from a little oil in the pan to begin the browning process. I decided to fry up a little bit of diced pancetta in the pot, scooped out the pieces, and then left the rendered fat in there to cook the short ribs in. I try to brown all 6 sides of each, but who knows if I do. Once they’re sufficiently browned. I pour out and reserve the fat that has come out so far.
I do use some of that fat for the next step, call it mirepoix; soffritto; diced celery, carrot and onion; whatever. That’s next and into some of the reserved fat it goes. I really let it sweat a little while for this dish. Eventually, I do add crushed garlic. It doesn’t need to sweat as long and I find her more temperamental, so I add her into the pot well into the sweat. She catches up quick. I do use a little salt and pepper at this point, idk if it’s a good idea, I just feel like it can’t hurt to season in layers. I eventually add some tomato paste and stir it all up. I try to way for some browning of the tomato paste on the sides before adding some red wine to give me something to deglaze. Once that simmers down and reduces by let’s say half, then I’ll add beef stock and crushed tomatoes. As you know unless you didn’t read the first paragraphs right up there, we’re in for a long simmer, so we may as well add some aromatics. Maybe some other stuff. For the fresher ingredients of, I use a few sprigs of thyme, rosemary, sage, and a bay leaf or two. I tie that up all up into a bundle and then tie the bundle to a rind of parmigiana and a cinnamon stick. I stick that in there and sprinkle in some other stuff like allspice, ground nutmeg, and a little extra ground cinnamon. Of course more salt and pepper. Maybe some crushed red pepper flakes would be nice too actually. Anyway, let that cook for a while, at least until the meat starts falling apart. I personally like to keep the bones in there. That’s really it for the sauce, let’s move on.
Next thing on the list is usually making the lasagna sheets. I guess you don’t need to, but I basically only use my own pasta for lasagna. I use egg yolk, some whites, olive oil, salt, and of course flour. I usually bring the dough together and let it sit for at least 20 minutes or so before working on it one more time and letting it sit a little again. I’ve found that it never hurts to use extra flour when actually making the pasta sheets. I use one of those little machines. The size options are it are 0-9 and I usually go up to 7 for the sheets. I’m still not an expert in storing them after boiling and then putting in cold water. I tried hanging them on the same rack I use pre-boiling but they were slippin’ and slidin’ all over LOL. Not a great idea, but it worked well enough for a sufficient amount to remain in tact for Lasagna Assembly time.
The bechemel isn’t a classic bechemel. I add 2 non-traditional ingredients. I literally fucked something up this time LOL. Ugh. The 2 extra ingredients in chey-chemel are parmigiana and ground white pepper. I was trying to be fancy and use my unopened white peppercorn grinder. Tell me why I thought it was a good idea to try to use it over the pot of bechemel and just opened it and half the peppercorns fall out. Half of those that did fall out fell directly into the sauce. I decided it was impossible to scoop and I had to strain them out. It literally smelled like hay for some reason? I didn’t actually grind any in there because I was nervous it’d be too spicy but I actually could’ve used a little more in the end lol. I didn’t add it because I was TRAUMATIZED. But yeah, the traditional aspects of it are melting butter and then adding basically equal parts flour and cook the flour. Once that’s done, you have to add warm/hot milk. It’s not that big of a deal if it’s cold, but it’s literally so much better if it isn’t. You do you if that’s what you prefer, I believe in my heart you can whisk through any potential clumping of you don’t want to warm it up. Once you add all the milk (easier to do a bit at a time), you’ll add nutmeg. If you’re like me when I don’t mess up, you’ll also add ground white pepper and some grated parmigiana around now too. Then just whisk until it’s a little less viscous than desired. It’ll thicken up. Heh.
We’re basically ready for Assembly time. I start with bechemel on the bottom before placing down a layer of pasta sheets. I then add another layer of bechemel, a layer of ragu, some basil leaves, and then a some dollops of a little ricotta mix. The ricotta mix is a package of ricotta with fresh chopped parsley, grated parmigiana, and for the first time I also grated low moisture mozzarella. I do a few layers of that and add some slices of the same mozzarella (I want fresh Mozz to work and melt well, but it kinda doesn’t really). I also grated some of the mozzarella on top and added a little parm too bc I was already grating something on there. I put something on top to cover it then throw it in the oven. After a little while I take the cover off and broil it to get the right look and feel for the cheese. And there we are. Let it sit a little while after taking it out before cutting into it. Top it off with a little more basil. Maybe some extra sauce or grated cheese. A little parsley if you want to go overboard. It’s my little labor of love and if you read this I appreciate you.
